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I first noticed this problem among older members of my family, particularly my grandparents. A witty and sarcastic comment by myself or my sister would draw only blank stares. Television commercials in which grinning Americans tried to sell us things like The Clapper motivated not even the slightest attempt at disgust or humour. Bill Gates getting a pie in the face was seen as reprehensible rather than heroic.

I am worried about the effects that this disorder has on the political landscape.

Of course, one could argue that irony is simply the armour that our generation uses to cope with an increasingly fucked up world, and that we are the ones with the disorder. But then I would have nothing to take refuge in.


Is Irony Deficit Disorder on the rise? Experts say "yes"! 

Two weeks ago, when Irony Expert Dr. Joseph Campbell accidentally flipped his television to the Lifetime Channel, he stumbled upon a shocking fact; national Irony Deficiency Disorder levels had increased by nearly 700% in the past year! Since then, thousands of volunteers from all over the United States have banded together to combat the epidemic. Thanks to the massive public response to this threat, clinics for free Irony Deficit Disorder testing and medical care have sprung up in every major city. At this point, all that the volunteers can do is make the afflicted comfortable and lock up their poetry journals, but the search for a more permanent cure is already underway.

Invented in the late 17th century by William Shakespeare, irony was first used as a literary technique, and is generally defined as "incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs." Since its invention, irony has played a major role in our daily lives, even having great historical impact. The evolution of the human mind to contain an 'irony gland,' which allows us to recognize irony and find humor in everyday life, has been key to averting such major disasters as World War IB, The Great Nihilist Revolution of Luxembourg, and the Sloth-Bear Crisis of '84.

Given the importance of irony, the recent rash of Irony Deficit Disorder cases has been of great concern to today's irony experts. Extensive research has tracked the progression of Irony Deficit Disorder, and allowed experts to chart its demographics. Defined as "a disturbing inability to recognize the humorous irony of a given situation," Irony Deficit Disorder has been spreading like wildfire amongst the US population, particularly its teenagers. Symptoms of IDD include: decline in sense of humor; bad poetry; and a distinct increase in the so-called 'whine hormone,' known as angstigen. If you notice any of these symptoms in friends or loved ones, you are advised to contact your local Irony Deficit Disorder clinic immediately.

A sample of pure angstigen was recently recovered by one of our reporters from a nearby laboratory, and it is displayed below in its solid form. Please, ladies and gentlemen, read with extreme caution. This is what our brave scientists are up against.

"I sit imprisoned in my parent's house by the sea
Alone in my grave of tears.
My friends do not love me
I am too deep for them
Left alone in the dark ghetto of my soul."

Through further research, irony experts have been able to determine that the overproduction of angstigen, the root cause of Irony Deficit Disorder, is largely a lack of perspective. Scientists are currently working to develop a cure that can be either swallowed or, in desperate cases, administered intravenously. Samples of this 'perspective juice' are even now being tested on an obscure species of moss with an irony system said to most closely resemble that of a human being. Meanwhile, poised on the very edge of disaster, an entire nation waits for news of a cure.

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