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How to cast Mind Bondage for Fun and Profits!!!

When I was a teenager in my local Baptist church, I remember a rack that stood on the wall near the side entrance filled with protestant propaganda. A vast majority of these manuals to salvation were Jack Tracts: Cartoons written in the late 70s and early 80s that taught non-believers that they were sinners in the hands of an angry god, and could expect to take the fast lane to hell if they did not change their heathen ways. There were many sinners, too, from Islamic Fundamentalists to Christian Rockers to Catholic Priests, all headed for eternal damnation. Clearly, though, the one person destined for the fiery pits of hell, was the Dungeons and Dragons nerd.

For all of the good Jack Chick did, saving defenseless acne-spackled virgins from vile Dungeon Masters, he also let loose some limited information on how to cast one of the first spells the occult teaches those who advance to a high-enough level: The Dreaded 'Mind Bondage'. Based upon the comic Dark Dungeons, I have constructed what I believe to be the final step off the path of good, into the pit of evil.

1.) Participate in "intense occult training through D&D".

2.) Have your cleric raised to eighth level.
This seems simple enough... but whenever I have achieved eighth level while playing Dungeons and Dragons, even with a cleric, my sexy Dungeon Mistress, clad all in black, never approached me with plans for my real-life spellcasting abilities. Of course, in the comic, The Dungeon Master calls Debbie's character a 'Wizard', so I'm pretty sure that you would really need to be a Level 8 Wizard/Level 8 Priest. Jack Chick was evidently trying to shield us from the exact methods of attaining real wizardly powers, but my superior intellect, for better or worse, cracked his mysterious code.

3.) Become part of a witch cove.
Be wary. Many so-called 'witch coves' are just a bunch of college kids who have a crystal ball, wear scented oils, and have a hissy fit when someone does not call Halloween "Samhain". You want a real witch cove where everyone wears black robes, have no distinct personality and evidently spend their lives in a room with no features except an altar and a giant right-side up pentagram. In the panel that exposes a real witch coven, the Dungeon Master says that she brought "Elfstar to become a priestess and a witch". Looks like I was right about the dual-classing!

WARNING!!!!
If the pictures within this cartoon have any relation to reality, casting The Destructive 'Mind Bondage' spell will make you horrifically ugly overnight.

The Results of the Mind Bondage
In the story, Dark Dungeons, Debbie, or Elfstar, as the player and her character have now truly become one, learns how to cast the spell in one night. Evidently, Elfstar's father didn't want his daughter playing Dungeons and Dragons. Thanks to The Devastating Mind Bondage, though, her father promptly goes out and buys Elfstar $200 in figures and manuals. It is easy to overlook this as just a change of heart until one realises that, in 1979, this pretty much represents 25% of all TSR stock. Can you deny the power of the Mind Bondage!!!

WARNING!!!!
The aftereffects of Mind Bondage may turn you into a blithering idiot. The next panel shows the Dungeon Mistress mentioning to Elfstar that her friend seems upset and wants to see her. Elfstar responds that she can't... She's playing Dungeons and Dragons and fighting The Zombie... even though there are no other players or a Dungeon Master present. To drive the point of her impending insanity home, Jack Chick has even drawn a Dungeon Master's Screen on the table, hiding the rolls that Elfstar will never get to see...

For the Full Story, go to http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0046/0046_01.asp

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