Past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results

This blurb is commonly used as a disclaimer in advertisements for get-rich-quick schemes and stock deals, but Uberfetus has discovered a virtual treasure trove of new uses for this ever-so-useful phrase!! His revolutionary new video series will teach you how to effectively use this legal mumbo-jumbo in your everyday life...

• ...On parents!

  Gotta explain:

  • sudden decline in grades?
  • unkempt room?
  • lack of phone calls to home recently?



• ...On significant others!

  Gotta explain:

  • recent lack of sex drive/skill?
  • the absence of the "old excitement"?
  • how past faithfulness and long-term commitment are different?



• ...On friends!

  Gotta explain:

  • why you're spending less on their birthday this year?
  • your inabability to be their emotional crutch through yet another breakup?
  • why you can be trusted as the treasurer of the NCAA basketball pool next year?



• ...On your boss!
  • Alright, maybe that's not such a good idea.

Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime offer! Supplies are limited! And if you act now, Uberfetus will throw in his award winning self-help video Feigning Ignorance, Interest, and Innocence - Your Guide to a Stress-Free Life ABSOLUTELY FREE!