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Coffee found in the kitchenettes and official offices* of physics departments around the U.S.A. all share common traits.
  1. The grounds must come packaged in a large tin canister or in individual pre-packaged filter-wrapped pancakes.
  2. Some coffee grounds should be placed outside the filter, allowing passage directly into the pot.
  3. It must be brewed at least one hour before serving. Allow 5 hours of baking for that classic burnt taste.
  4. One cup must cost no more than $0.35. There will be an extra charge of no more than $0.10 for a styrofoam cup. (Cups are for visitors. All good physicists have several mugs in their offices from conferences.)
  5. It is never served with cream or milk, only with non-dairy creamer in powder form.
  6. It must be nearly odorless.
  7. The most authentic deparment blends must leave a film on one's teeth and have a strong aftertaste reminiscent of sucking on wet cardboard.

*Some weenies have their own Mr. Coffees in their offices and use "good" fresh ground beans. These people are clearly well-organized, have good taste, and have the time to be choosey; therefore they are not to be trusted.

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