I've been rattling around this
shit hole all day. The
compost needs to be taken out. It's overrun with
fruit flies. Someone told me the that they lay their eggs in the faucets i.e. my drinking water. Well, I suppose a little
protien never hurt anyone. The floor is
horrid and I just dropped one of my roomate's bowls on the linoleum and it broke. Three of four of my roomates left for the weekend. So did two of my closest friends. I've been wondering as this
first year of my college experience comes to a close if I've managed to make any
true friends, the one's that really care about one and just as importantly one's one really cares about. There seem to a few of the former and a few of the
latter but not too many that
coincide. I'm not coming back next year. I will participate in a
study abroad. My third year I will be back on campus. This campus has a very high
turn-over rate so I think that I will forever (or at least forever if one was a mouse-they have short life spans) be re-establishing myself. It's exciting and disconncerting and right now, depressing and a
freaking fruit fly just buzzed past my face.
Sometimes this load of work I'm procrastinating, trying to live up to the person I know I should be, being social, unintimidated, gutsy, impulsive, it's just a weight and sometimes it's not who I am. I'm
indecisive, sad, and alternately
manically happy. I am see-through but sometimes I reflect the light. This is more out of
stubborness of some's gaze not a real hardness to read. Ah well got to keep some
secrets, be a little mysterious...
My father called me. He said that he was trying to
cheer me up but now all I want to do is cry. I wish I could have made him happier, I feel like I
failed. I don't know why I'm like this. He told me a story about our next door neighbors. The
alcholic ones. It's a
domestic abuse case that will never happen. Last night she took all of his
sleeping pills, perkaset, I think. He didn't notice till he tried to wake her up for lunch. He asked my dad if he could use the phone because neither of them can hold down a
job long enough to
pay the phone bill. She went to the hopital in a
coma to get her stomache pumped. That's not all my dad said, most of it was much happier, daily life stuff on a ranch. Feeding the
cattle and such. I never get homesick but lately I have been and lately I've been falling into this hole of
depression. I can watch it happen like I'm outside myself. I know what I should be doing to turn it around, but I can't seem to make myself. Ah well so it goes...