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There dwells a steak in the body of a cow of such perfection that blessed matrons three quarters or more through their life do so desire, that humble meat-mongers do have trouble keeping such in their display cases. The cut is the Round Steak, and it is considered far and wide to be the bestest steak.

Having no marbling, and no tenderness, many fools will endeavor to have it tenderized and beaten to give their weak teeth respite, but verily this is why they are in motley for this steak needs no pounding nor exotic herbs and spices, nor common ones such as salt and pepper, and is instead so buoyant with its own sapidity that condiments fall by the wayside.

Procuring these steaks is oft so mean an endeavor, that ordering them-- yea preordering them-- is necessary; so high in demand are they that one may travel from one side of Christendom to the other without encountering them, escape when erring braggarts have converted them into so-called cube steaks and ruined them for good.

Dandiprats recurrently opine that the ribeye, the top loin steak (as is called New York Strip in the deplorable reaches of the globe), and the tenderloin retain the best flavor-- however these idle sciolist scaramouches have not the knowhow nor the ken to prepare any but the most otiose aliments. They therefore contend upon the lesser cuts, ignoring the advice of the wise matrons who, having affixed their values through years and suffering have abstruse knowledge of all things especially in spheres deemed nondistaff by society wherein maids below the median ages are kept ignorant of such rougher tasks such as grilling and fighting and employing strange oaths.

Your speculations would suppose that a miller knows nought but milling, your gadfly nought but gadding, and your huswife nought but wifing, and in your ignorance conclude that the fairer sex passing from maid to wife to addled crone would be wholly deprived of such knowledge as steakmeat, but you would be wrong. Likewise, it is no matter to see the aged and venerable men oft know their meats still less.

The round steak has such a pleasant aire about it, that upon the Feast of Saint Valentine’s many youths proclaim, “By George, I’m cooking round steak tonight. Only the best for my girl!” They then purchase their comestibles with common coin, cheque, or gift card, and avaunt all amain home to their entrothed where upon the lass is so delighted with the lad’s meat that conjugal avocation occurs within the hour oft upon the meal itself throwing common utensils to the floor if not employed within the cannonades of rapture itself.

Now, in truth, the method for preparing the round steak is simple. Task your stove so that no other occupant can supplant your burners: No sides are necessary: no rice, no potatoes, no silly peas green or chick. The carl and the fainéant will discommend the steak, quoth, “There’s a bone in the center. Is that really good to slap in a pan?” Yea, they whinge thusly. Strike said ruffians upon the head with a truncheon or stout ejaculation until they are silenced.

If the pan is not of proper dimensions, be not alarmed for this is no obstacle. Dangling meat touching the burners should gladden you for to the round steak it is an object of joy akin to how the trout loveth not the fisher nor the harp the harpy or the harpstress or the tallow the grease trap, but rather the deer the erring hunter with his slugabed, purblind blunderbuss. Rather, let the meat burn, crisping the outside in the manner the French call viande trop cuite. The bone shall burn too in this manner, howbeit the round steak in the pan itself should not touch heat overlong, instead being as the connoisseurs say “blue”-- that is rather underdone. This contrast between burned and blue is what will win any forfended maid or lad to Venus’s abdominal vices. Such is the power of round steak, that even puritanical sacrosanct scandalmongers will hereupon hie to contradistinctive thoughts on abortion and Greek notions of love.

Therefore, let me reiterate Round Steak is bestest for all levels of social distinction whether it be the meanest bedabug carl, a prosperous burgess, a prince, or a Youtube Streamer.


This dispraise demesnes itself for surety to the Opinion Quest.