I was partway through an entry for Dec 24 when I lost steam. I don't want to talk about the past few weeks. They've been very tense for me, not sure if they are for my mother or not.
I've had a difficult relationship with her for as long as I can remember. We get along ok so long as I don't call her out for her rude comments. I have to do it in just the right way, or she gets even more hostile. She's more civil when I confront her in front of someone else, so that's what I've been doing. I don't want to embarrass her, but that's literally the only way I can stop her from a) muttering an insult, b) yelling, or c) saying "I don't care" and leaving the room.
I sometimes wonder if this is how it feels to have a bratty sister.
As for what she does that i've had to confront: I have many examples. The most recent issue was her habit of answering any questions directed at me, even though she clearly was not being spoken to. I can't deal with that. She seems to have mostly stopped it now. She was also doing the reverse: answering any question I had obviously asked my father, not her. I started saying "I was asking him," and then waiting for him to answer. I don't know if she didn't understand the social cue or didn't care, because I had to say this to her on several occasions.
One day my father said something before I could: "She was asking me." I reinforced this by telling her "I wasn't asking you." I hate being blunt. But that's what it takes to make her listen to you. Or maybe it's more accurate to say, that's what it takes to make her actually give a shit about what you just said. Her memory is getting worse, but I don't think it's bad to the point where she literally forgets to be nice. I remember her being this way when I was younger.
In one of my earliest memories, I asked my father "why does she act that way?" I must have been 10 or younger. "Because that's the way she is," he said in that voice he uses when he's angry and trying not to show it. I don't know how many times I asked him that over the years before I finally learned to stop trying. Something was wrong with my mother, and nobody wanted to talk about it.
My god, I feel like this is a story I could write as a book. I've thought of it. But I don't want my family to ever read it or know it exists. I would have to use a pen name and hope they never find out. That's a long time to keep a secret. I've brought up some things about my mother to my older brother. He sympathized more with her. Even when I told him that she used to tell me that she doesn't get to travel or do fun things because of me. He took her side on that. Yes, it's ok to tell your child that you resent them and how your life sucks because of their existence.
I'm worried about being in therapy forever to deal with it. About six or seven years ago, I went to a registered psychologist specifically to deal with it. The regular counselors I went to didn't really help when it came to that. So I go to this woman, and in just a couple of sessions she confirms that I am not imagining things. She said that my mother was "an unwell woman." Thank you for being direct. Finally, an answer.
It was an answer I suspected but needed confirmed by someone more objective than my family. Remember, its rude to say that something's wrong, so just act like everything is fine! It's like being gaslit by a group of people, not just one person. And then people outside your family don't want to speak ill of your parents, so they change the subject if you try to talk about it. The kids at school thinks she's great. She would substitute teach there sometimes. All the kids knew who she was and would tell me how much they loved her, and wasn't I so lucky to have her as my mom!?
HELL NO!!!!
I don't know how to express how I feel. I could list every fucked up conversation I've had with her and still not properly convey how it felt to grow up like that. I thought I'd made peace with it all, but now that I see her every day my fuse is getting shorter and shorter.
Even as I write this on Christmas (1am here), I'm pissed at her again. She decided that the four of us would do a zoom meeting with other family with each of us using our own tablets. Key word here is "decided." She didn't ask me if I'd want to or not. Same with my brother. "Tell him to bring his tablet." I don't know if she even told him why. We aren't the type of family that uses zoom together. I've never used it. I've used Skype before, and I hate it. My brother dislikes tech so much he only checks his email every couple of months. So I don't know why she thinks it's ok to just decide everything for us. I'll be saying "no thanks" and leaving the room.
That probably sounds like a dumb thing to get upset about, but she does shit like this all the time. At some point tomorrow she'll bitch about how she did all the cooking, even though she didn't want our help. I offered. She assigned me with making a salad. Ok, well don't complain to me about how much you're doing. She didn't want help decorating the tree either.
I don't know what else to say. I'm tired of trying to get along with her and failing. I won't let her treat me poorly. But confronting her is like stepping through a minefield. I still haven't figured out how to deal with her unsolicited advice that is terrible advice. Like when I worked outside during a heat wave and I mentioned wanting Gatorade. "That's bad for you," she said. Uh, yeah, it's not great for you, but it's better than becoming dehydrated. Replacing electrolytes is kinda important when it's 40 degrees Celsius. Dumbass. "I would drink water with lemon slices." Good for you. You wouldn't last 5 minutes out there. I would love to know what fantasy land you live in and how I can get to it!!!
*withhold a scream*
And that's my messy fucking relationship with my mother. It's not socially acceptable for daughters (or sons) to criticize their mother. I'm sure at least one person out there will send me a deranged message about how I deserved to be treated that way and I shouldn't complain about it. Do yourself a favour and keep those thoughts to yourself, or go fill a node about why it's ok for women to abuse their own kids. Have fun. For the rest of you, thank you for not being assholes.