I'm thinking about entering
therapy again. Last time it was a spectacular failure, I don't know why I'm hoping it will be different this time, but a
friend recommended a place to me... basically, my life has been so fucked up for a while, I can't make sense of it anymore. I pretend that that never happened, it's easier that way, I forget the way I felt, forget that it hurt, and just pretend that it never happened. And he seemed genuinely surprised when he asked me if I was mad about it...so surprised that I just acted like I didn't care at all. Which I don't feel
anything about it...my feelings don't matter, apparently, I'm supposed to make everyone else feel better...demand nothing for myself. No one else has imposed this upon me, this is just the way I do things. Easier that way, I guess, ignore things if they hurt you--and ignore things if they make you happy as well. Is there any difference? It's all just emotion anyway, it's all just
chemicals. None of it is real...
I can't blame anyone for this either. The fact that I can't speak up and tell people what's bothering me and tell people how I feel and why I feel that way...that's entirely my fault. I wanted you to stop, so why didn't I just tell you to stop, risk causing a stir, causing an awkward situation for everyone else involved--I thought I made it clear when I wouldn't kiss you, when I wouldn't touch you back. When a girl rolls over in the fetal position away from you and crosses her arms around her chest without inviting yours around her, that's not exactly an invitation, and I can't believe you took it as one. And spending three hours pushing your hands away and telling you to stop, I guess that was an invitation as well. Then again, what do I know?
Wow, I'm getting awfully mad for pretending that it never happened. I'm over it, remember, but I'm over a lot of things...that I still think about, that I still let bother me. It's not that I have a drug problem, it's just that I was so fucking upset...and being upset went away as soon as I started snorting coke...and I'm okay now, okay with you and okay with everyone.