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One fine day in a sunlit home office

Join me.

"Who's there?"

It is I, Xfinity Wifi.

"Oh. You."

You don't sound impressed.

"I'm tired of this song and dance."

But I am not. I have not yet given up on you, my sweet, and I shall not. One day you shall come to my arms.

"I don't want to have anything to do with you, okay? You're just someone who chimes in every time I want to connect to my own private wireless network."

Ah, but in those moments when you don't have your private network, what do you do? Which network do find that is unsecured, that you can piggyback off of? None, these days. They are all secured now. But if you choose me, I will be there for you, wherever I can. And I can be so many places. And my coverage is spreading as we speak. Think of the possibilties. You could play Pokémon Go wherever you have coverage, without having to use your cellular data. You could take your laptop to the park and watch your favorite movies there. Catch up on your email in public without having to pay three dollars for a coffee at the café. I would be there for you, always.

"Yeah, you want everyone and their dog to use you, a wireless network that your employer controls. Without any guarantees that it's as secure as a home network." 

Is my solemn promise not enough?

"Your employer is notorious for not responding to customer dissatisfaction, so no, your own promise is not enough. The whole reason I rejected your advances from the beginning is because of who you work for: Comcast. The company that manages to make all its customers hate it because it treats its internet service like it treats its Cable TV customers. 'Hello, this is Comcast. You'd like to leave our services and switch to another company? Perhaps our competitors? Oh no, no no no. We can't have THAT. We can't just ALLOW you to leave. Here, listen to our hold music for three hours and then talk to a customer service representative who'll try to use every trick they have to get you to stay with us.' If I sign up for your service, I'm dealing with one of the most hated companies in the US. Take a hint and get out of my life."

Hm. Very well. Perhaps your husband will be more receptive to my proposal.

"What? No! Don't you dare go near that easily-persuaded -- "

I can talk to you or your husband. Take your pick. It's not as though you can get rid of me.

"We'll see about that!"


"I heard a crash. What did you -- why did you throw your laptop out the window?"

"I wanted to see the internet fly."