Through fear and cowardice, I have repaid tenfold the pain delivered to me by her. Four years we've been at it, trying to make work what wouldn't. Who knows why.
I didn't tell her who I was going to Hawaii with. I lied about a few other minor details. White lies, I told myself. And in the leadup, I couldn't didn't tell her the truths. I lived in fear of her responses, so I avoided the question. I arrived back home, 2AM, March 31, 2009. She was laying in my bed asleep. My room had been cleaned. Three beers on my pillow. I began to cry, as I felt the gravity of the situation sucking me earthward.
Today, I told her all. Today, I found I couldn't help her anymore than I've ever been able to.
Today, I learned a lesson: Cowardice will only bring pain.
Tomorrow, the day after, and onwards, I will learn whether that last statement is a lie. I hope that she did not suffer my pathetic lies in vain.