/me earned the C-Noders Club 100 Writeups achievement!
Hardly a big achievement when I consider that the record is 147 293 nodes in a month, but still I'm happy to have crossed that barrier. I think I'd like to make my next major goal that less than half of my write ups were written in November because at present it's probably over 3/4. For my new years resolutions, I suppose.
Thanksgiving was stressful and I really don't think it should have been. I find myself becoming more and more critical of everything and everyone around me and I can't tell if this is me taking off the blinders and just being honest or if I'm turning into a bitter shell of a person. Or both. A certain amount of that is me being more honest with myself about my own faults and the sources of those faults. I think over the last few months I've gained a level of self-awareness and self-acceptance that most people will never achieve. Pretty self-aggrandizing, eh? This might feel like an accomplishment if I had any idea what to do with this knowledge but I don't. Don't get me wrong I could launch myself at self improvement with abandon and I expect it would yield fruit but really, deep down, I don't care. I'd have nobody I'd want to share it with.
I've seen a lot of day logs from back in the day talking about being lonely and the various attempts to fix that. I've been lonely for as far back as I can remember and most of my attempts to connect to others have ended with me feeling worse about human contact than before. This isn't even a condemnation of people in general because half the time the problem began and ended with me. I've flirted with being and asshole before and while I didn't stick with it I can honestly say I'm not sorry either. I tried it, I can understand the appeal of picking on somebody, and I've decided it's not worth making the world a worse place or developing bad habits and a negative reputation. As bloodless and simple as that.
I rarely want to connect to people and on the occasion that I do I usually want to spare them being around me. My social skills get a bit duller and myself image as an unpleasant person gets a bit stronger. I'd say that it's a vicious cycle but that might be giving it too much credit. Call it a petty, passive aggressive cycle.
IRON NODER X: XTREME XCELLENCE