display | more...

BOG TROLL - Str 16, Dex 9, Con 16, Int 2, Wis 2, Chr 2. 74 HP. THAC0 12. AC 8. Special abilities: Snarky Personal Remark, Evil Glower, Detect Pound Coins. Treasure Dropped: Aftershave, Lollipops, Toilet Roll, 10% chance Class A drugs (1d4 wraps from the controlled substances table.)

Every good nightclub needs a bog troll. Actually, scratch that. Every syphilitic pesthole of a meat market in dreary provincial towns needs a bog troll.

That's probably not actually his job title, by the way. His contract of employment probably states "bathroom attendant" or similar. He is the heavy-set chappie who hangs out in upscale nightclubs meat markets and similar places. His job is to provide yet another avenue for you to part from your money, but is justified to the public as being extra security in case people are dealing or doing drugs in the toilets, though more on that later.

Now, naturally, even the hardest partying wannabe dilettante has to break the seal at times, and as such off he trundles to the toilets. However, whereas in a non-money-grubbing establishment, one would go, find an empty cubicle, unzip, drop bags, park, lay a copper bolt, wipe backside, reinstate bags, wash hands, and leave, where a Bog Troll is in evidence one cannot entirely do this. Instead, one will be hard-sold cheapo aftershave at £1.00 per spray, given toilet roll and paper towels, and have the taps turned on for you. Thankfully, though, a bog troll will draw the line at holding your dick for you while you piss, although no doubt given a large enough tip would do anything.

Failure to avail oneself of the bog troll's services will result in either sneery comments about your personal hygiene standards or physical violence. As will not tipping enough even if one did not use said services. Some quick and dirty research on the internets has shown to me that some of them sing at you as well, and strangely enough, it's always the same song. "Freshen up for the punani," or something like that. It's as if there's a special bog troll school somewhere.

There is an important function for bog trolls, and that is keeping drug use out of the toilets in clubs. The flaw in this plan, though, is that the bog troll can themselves be the dealer. I've seen at one such establishment various people leaving the bogs with pupils like saucers and grinding their teeth and talking very, very, fast, which tells me all I need to know on that front.

(IN1319)