When I was but a wee nut, back when Chuck Schuldiner was still alive and the Millennium Dome still held high expectations, I was at secondary school and this was, apocryphally, a punishment essay given out by one teacher.

Well... I never was naughty enough to be set it (I got one entitled "Silence is an art form; talking is unnecessary, discuss") so here's my effort after the fact.

Hey sexy. It's me, a table tennis ball. I saw how you looked at me just there, you bad, bad, boy. I saw how you were undressing me with your eyes, stripping away all my layers of cheap white paint to get at my curves. You like that, don't you? Don't you? Don't you like my smooth, round, bubble-like bottom? The silky, thermosetting sheen of my naked, trembling form. Does this turn you on, baby? I know it does me. I'm aching and taut and my seams are bursting. I am so turned on right now like you wouldn't believe.

That's it, you man you. Handle me all over. Grope me all over. Feel my thin plastic shell. I bet you're just dying to see what's under all that, aren't you hon? Well... I think you'll have to wait. Oohh, I'm teasing you... teasing you so... freakin'... bad.... hon. Yeah... *pant pant pant* yeah...!

Ooohh, sexy... is that a bat in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

I bet it is. How big is your bat, I wonder? I bet it's really big. I wish you were here with me... right now... and you would bang me with a bat like that. Grab on it, tell me how it feels in your hand, you know I like to talk dirty. I could party all night with a man whose implement was that big. I want to feel you banging me with that tool as hard as you can, because you know I like it rough. Yeah, twirl it in your hands again, just like that. You're gettin' all warmed up. So am I, and I like it. I want you to hit me hard from behind. I want you to give it to me... because I know you want to give it to me because you're a player, aren't you? I bet you've balled a lot recently, you fit stud you. Mmmmmhhhh.

Wow, your friend's cute. Is his bat as big as yours? I bet it is. That would make an awesome three-way.

I'm glad you think so too hon. Now then... give it to me hard, you and your friend. Get me over that table and bang me from both ends until I can't take any more.

Now! Now! Nggghhh!

Harder!

Harder!

Harder!

HARDER!

NNNGGGGHHH!!!! OH YES!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!!!!

NNGGHH!!!

NNNGGGHHH!!!!!

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! OH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*crack*

AANNRRGGHHH!

Ohhh... baby....

Did you like that?

Hey!

Where you going lover?

Is that how you treat all the table tennis balls in your life? You just use them, and when they're finished with, you just cast them aside?

You BASTARD! I have feelings to you know! I know I'm just another mark on the scoreboard to you, but I have feelings!

What are you doing with that pink floozy? Am I not good enough for you any more? That's it, isn't it... have a way with a ball and then cast it off, like a scrap of detritus. You men are all alike. You reckon you're players but you're nothing. You're scum, the lot of you.

Hey! Look at me when I'm talking to you, you bastard!

BASTARD!!!!

Ha! Is that your bat? I've seen bigger teaspoons!

Ugh... MEN.

I think, all things considered, it was best I didn't get set that one.