Everyone
had gone home for the day and the office was quiet. John scanned the desks and
the floor, to be certain. Stuck his head quickly in the bathrooms to verify
their vacancies. He finally approached Chuck’s desk and was nervous someone
would suddenly appear behind him.
Today,
paranoia was his friend and allowed him to continue.
He
took in the details of Chuck’s desk. The
Star Wars figures, the Death Star pen holder, the Millennium Falcon air plant,
the blue lightsaber pen, the R2-D2 desk mat, and many more indicators of
Chuck’s obsession. John had to admit that some of it was cool in the geekiest
and best way.
He
considered what he was about to do and questioned the plan he formed earlier
that day. Did
he really need to know what was in his employee evaluation before Chuck posted
it? Would knowing change anything? Uncertainty descended, becoming heartburn in
his soul. He felt ill about his motives and what they were urging him to do.
Why
did he worry so much about what people thought of him? He felt weak for caring
about their opinions. He admitted to himself he was unsure he could handle knowing
his boss’s opinion about him. There was a conviction that any of the feedback would
be disheartening.
He
was too complaisant, a people-pleaser, with a perpetual cloud of worthlessness
eating away at his self-respect. He thought he hid his insecurities well,
radiating cool confidence with an air of self-assurance that wasn’t obnoxious.
But at this moment, insecurity ate him whole. It left him wondering if the
incredibly anxious 11-year-old inside of him was obvious to everyone and they
kindly pretended to not notice his awkwardness.
His
patheticness was exhausting and demoralizing to him.
He
yelled, “Enough!” in his mind and the surroundings returned to focus, reminding
him why he was there.
Chuck’s
laptop sat closed on the R2-D2 desk pad and looked deceivingly benign. John
recently accidentally saw Chuck entering his pin and memorized it.
He
groaned with resignation over his impending actions and opened the laptop to
wake it from its sleep. The blue login screen lit up Chuck’s Star Wars fixation
that surrounded John.
Was
he sure he wanted to do this? No. However, years of self-doubt compelled him to
continue. He
logged in and navigated to the folder with the employee evaluations.
Seeing
his name nearly caused a panic attack. There was a vast difference between
thinking people couldn’t stand you and knowing the truth, having all your fears
confirmed. He
trampled over his dread and clicked on his name.
Confusion overwhelmed him. The
screen was bright with various neon colors and lettering in the document. His disoriented
mind couldn’t grasp what was staring at him in the face.
Then
embarrassment swept over, and his face blazed with shame. On
the screen were these words:
“John,
stop worrying! Why are you reading this? You are fine. I promise there will be no
surprises. You will know tomorrow. Now, go home and get some sleep. – Chuck”.
Chuck’s
anticipation of John’s appalling actions stunned him. He
wondered just how transparent his insecurities were to everyone. But
he considered himself lucky to have Chuck as a boss and slowly closed the
laptop. The
desk area became dim as the laptop went back to sleep.
Glancing
around at the desk, and all its fun whimsy, he felt ridiculous and left the
office. He
decided he would be ok, no matter what happened tomorrow.
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Originally published on Medium.