A
dusty and rarely-used
device stored in the back of the
E2 Weapons Locker. It looks like a large and unwieldy
ray gun -- like something out of an old
Flash Gordon serial; it is colored
red and
silver, with various
spiky bits sticking out here and there and a
barrel big enough to stick your head into. On the side is a simple
label: "
Ailie Control Ray."
No one knows where it came from. It is
dusty and rarely used, because it is universally
feared.
Most of the items in the
Weapons Locker are either still in use today (such as the
Asamothian Hunter-Killer Bot and the
Troll Deflector Shield) or have been
retired after honorably serving their purpose (the
Deluxe Gortician Whacker immediately springs to mind). But the Ailie Control Ray remains
untouched because of the only time it was tested...
You see, once upon a time,
thefez was not the
nice, slightly crazed guy he is today.
Once upon a time,
thefez craved
power. Not just a little, but a whole
ton of it. Enough to light up
Las Vegas for a year, enough to snuff out the
sun, enough to push even
nate around. When thefez found the Ailie Control Ray, his
greedy little eyes lit up. "Ahh," he said. (We have
tapes of this, so yes, he really said "Ahh." No really, now
hush up) "A simple method to
control a single noder. While
Alaskan
geophysicists are not first choice for
ultimate control, study of this
eldritch device may give me the
insights I need to construct the fabled
Everything Control Ray and thus make me
Lord of all Creation!" (I said we have it on tape, so shut up)
So
thefez switched the ray on, and a
voice filled his mind --
the Voice of Ailie.
"Oh, silly me. I left my little popgun lying around. And it's completely mislabeled, too. That's supposed to be 'Ailie's Control Ray.' I'll have to fix that later. But I can tell you're going to be trouble, Evil Dr. Thefez, so I better neutralize you now. Really, you wouldn't be so bad if you were more friendly and liked soy and funny bugs and talked in ALL CAPS. Let's see if we can't make you a little happier..."And that's the
true story of why
thefez is so much
fun to be around, why we're all so
careful around
ailie, and why careful labeling of your
secret weapons is so vitally
important...