I just got back from my second trip to Italy in a month.
It seems more and more likely that I will try to return to
torino to live at the end of this year. I have embarked on a new relationship with the most complex, loving, enchanting woman I have ever known.
Here in Germany there is nothing for me but a job and loathing,
angst and
isolation, the shattered remains of a relationship and a general sense of discontentment.
I recieved a letter from the monther of my ex-girlfriend upon my return from italy. In it she lays down her observations of me as a poor example of a human being. She accuses me of:
1. using people
2. not caring for anyone but myself
3. exploiting people to my own advantage
4. not being able to give without the expectation of recieving something in return
Heavy charges... She leveled them at me because of my refusal to pay my ex money for some bills that have arrived since she
evicted me from out house and her life last december. I feel that I don't owe her anything, after all my ex eviced me without notice 2 weeks before christmas with the announcement that:
1. she didn't want to live with me any longer
2. she was in love with another man
3. i was to be gone from "her" house and her life by the end of december 2002
I say 'fuck her' and the money that she wants from me. After all she has no
responsibility for the money I was forced to spend to move on or find a new place to live.
I may be guilty. I may be an asshole.
Anna says my ego is too big, that I am too certain of myself. In response to these issues I have begun to meditate daily on an image of the buddah and I have decided to seek out some information on how to put my ego on a diet.
As a start I am going to begin fasting once a week.
So... where is this all leading? Who knows. Not me. I'm not that sure of myself. I am thinking of becoming a more active buddhist. Maybe in some form of yoga and breath work, chanting and ceeding control to a higher power I can reduce my ego, reduce this sensation that I sometimes leave with others that I only care for myself. That maybe I can grow my compassion.
So as I move forward in this world I promise myself to try and address these issues with myself, within myself and outside of myself. I will not turn a blind eye to criticism.
My life is in flux per usual. I find myself between countries, between dreams. I will follow my heart and my intuitaion and I will grow my higher self.
This is something I wrote after the first trip to Italy which reflects (imho) what I am going for:
A trip to Italy surprises:
Revelations and inspirations.
Changes instigated demand a return to the original fantasy.
That night in 97 on the beach in Bari, those whispering voices, the kindly ones, the muses of my fate
- The moment has passed the dream is over.
Ripples resonate in still water.
I am both the driver and the driven.
I will not be damned to be forgiven.
Even the purist of romantics sometimes must compromise.
The hope of salvation, the necessity of love, the demands of an unfulfilled dream
Cary on, love is coming, the wheel is spinning, I can’t slow it down; love is coming to us all.
The lessons are learned.
The zeitgeist demands that life be lived and not simply observed.
I am not satisfied “getting by”
Take this, take me, return me to purity.
Half-step, half-man, learning to fly
Take that, take her, take the example set.
Give of yourself, give up on yourself.
Return to the source, return to your roots.
Fly, Blackbird fly…