Being off of medication, I'm doing a lot of reflection on what I'm feeling. Very anxious, very depressed. I want relief from these feelings, but I wonder if I'm supposed to feel them for some reason. I've fought through the anxiety, logically talking down fears, and even though it's a lot less severe, I still can't sleep in the morning once I've woken up. Thoughts become scary and uncomfortable. Am I supposed to accept them and experience them, even though they interrupt my sleep? The depressed thoughts are becoming more prominent. It's hard to see meaning and value in our tiny and meaningless lives. I see too much of what is wrong with our reality and it infects my thinking. I see how much terrifying effort it would take to change anything on a large scale. Everyone is so angry and terrified. Everyone is suffering. And I feel it. I internalize it. I don't know how I'm supposed to work through this. I don't know how I can accept my feelings and see what "god" has planned for me. I'm just so very afraid. It feels like I will never feel okay again. I keep trying to remember nothing is forever, these feelings aren't forever, and I get relief sometimes. But every morning I'm reminded of my situation. Is it brain chemistry that needs to be regulated with medication? Or am I supposed to be this way? And if I'm supposed to be this way, will I actually get better by working through it? I'm afraid of starting medication yet again. I wonder what I will miss while on them. But in modern working society where I still am not creating art, it's probably more advantageous to numb a bit of these intense and awful feelings. I just hate what that means. We're pacified so we accept our unfair reality. I don't know how to accept the amount of control upon our lives (when I have so little control of my own). But I also don't really know how to start creating anything that reflects how I feel, especially while I'm still feeling the brunt of it. And that just makes me bitter about how I grew up. Lots of resentment. I wish I hadn't been so afraid, I wish I was more encouraged to express myself. Video games were relief, escape from reality. I wish I still got the same enjoyment out of them. I wish I got enjoyment out of anything. I keep trying to do the same things to find comfort and it doesn't work. I want so badly for it to be easy and it just isn't. I know I have to write. I know I have to read. I know I have to listen to and play a lot more music. It's so very scary and hard to. I fear the feelings that come with it and I don't know how to face that fear. I remember listening to music in my room in high school, feeling amazing while singing and wanting to perform in front of others. I still imagine myself doing what I actually want and putting myself out there. But I compare myself to everyone else who does music. I convince myself that I can't reach that greatness. And the downfall of me listening to music on a daily basis was feeling so small and insignificant in comparison with who they were and what they were accomplishing. I stopped listening to music because of feelings. Yet I know the only way I can utilize my feelings for the greater good is through music. Why is it so terrifying? Why am I so afraid to face what I think and feel when I know it will ultimately make me better? I fear the process of extreme emotion, I fear the discomfort and struggle. My brain tries to protect me by convincing me to avoid anything that makes me feel, because my feelings make me suffer. But I can't stand being a hermit and not utilizing my life. It's the back and forth of I have to do the thing and I really don't want to do the thing. Once again bringing me back to the resentment of how I grew up. I wasn't forced enough to do what I didn't want to. And now it's so fucking hard to do what I really need to. I want to be better but I want it to be easier. That's why I wonder if I'll accomplish more if I'm on medication. Or will I just become complacent and lazy? These are the cycles my brain makes every day. My energy and memory are eaten up by over thinking everything instead of doing anything. But I've internalized that doing stuff results in potentially bad feelings. And the cycle continues. So here I am, sitting here and writing this all out, chasing some sort of revelation that will make me feel better. When in reality, I'll just have to force myself to push through feelings and take action. I need to accept it. Sooner rather than later. Please.