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Indeed there is.

I was just going to leave it at that, but three words does not a writeup make. Learn that lesson now, fledgling writers, before you undertake your next project about bears fighting in cyberspace or whatever nerd stuff you are into.

For those of you afraid that life will end after you begin co-mingling your genitalia with other humanoid creatures of one kind or another, let me assure you, it goes on. And it isn't so scary having a hairy animal inside of you. It really isn't scary at all once you get over the initial feelings of shock and untoward hysteria.

Now, country doctors may tell you differently, but I am telling you that once you've had the bodily fluids of another humanoid creature of one kind or another all over your body, their secretions, if you will, you'll be glad that you did and want SO MUCH to do it more. Naughty secretions. Day or night... perfection to co-mingle with. Don't kid yourself about that. Splash other people's bodily fluids liberally all over your body. All over. Multiple coats. Chew one of their toes off. Keep it as a remembrance token. You'll get over your fears real fast. A lot different than sitting in your mom's spare room, as I am well aware that most of you nerds do, choking that chicken or shoving the largest goddmaned egg beater ever seen in the United States inside of yourself.

So, there's the rub. Let someone else rub you the right way for a change. You'll find it refreshing.

How to lose that virginity? Is that what is holding you back, little buckaroo? Well, why don't we fix that right now.

Do you have a telephone book handy? Oh, sorry, it isn't like 1974 any longer. I know you nerds probably weren't born until like 2012 or something, so you wouldn't remember. I wasn't born then either, but the extremely sick man that runs the winter camp I used to work for used to talk about the 1970s all the time and how it was the only time in American history when life was working out for everyone throughout the country without exception. I don't believe him. The guy was nuts out of space, but he paid me, so yeah, kind of had to believe him.

If you are a woman looking to lose her virginity, usually 90% of men will agree to help you if you ask them in the right way. If they are gay men, then they will eagerly help you find someone to take care of that for you. They are the best, most helpful people in the world and I love them to death. If you are a woman looking for your first time with another woman, that is much harder. You must be able to identify other women who share this interest and spend a few afternoons drinking wine with them at a classy bar before they will agree to anything. If you are a man looking to lose his virginity with a woman, well, good luck to you. Women have no interest in guys like you, pretty much ever, unless they are kind of sick in the head or there is some kind of Mrs. Robinson vibe going on. Good luck with that. As far as a man looking to lose his virginity with another man, I think you just have to ask around.

So, in conclusion, please go out and lose your virginity today.

 

 

Promotional consideration given to the Arthur Pierson Home Foundation

and the Anderson Sacks Wholesale Group