I know, I know! Everyone has been talking about the lastest motion picture, the first in 13 years, from Whiney Herzog, but in case you haven't seen it yet, this is a review and may contain spoilers (if you don't know what a spoiler is, get your fucking head out of your ass already - regardless, I have linked it in case you need "help").
I am not the kind of person you want to enter into negotiations with unprepared. I go into negotiations ready to win. I don't lose. I will chew you up and I will spit you right out. Don't even try me.
Whiney Herzog has been making films of value to people who see cinema as an art form since the 1960s. He knows his shit. He runs these things like clockwork. And he NEVER goes over budget. These bloated Hollywood types could learn a thing or two from Whiney Herzog. But they DON'T. Their loss. They are culpable. They really are.
The movie opens with a scene that looks like any corporate boardroom (needs to be noded). A bunch of men and women in professional attire are discussing plans to expand the "Dynamic Bridge Project." The meeting is very professionally conducted. A lot of information is exchanged and some points are debated.
And then everyone gets up and scampers away. And by that, I mean that they run off in different directions on all fours like a bunch of monkeys. WTF? We are aghast at this. Shocking twist.
So, now we have our story. Businesspeople, executives in charge of our most important industry, moving money around, move around like animals when they go from one place to another. What kind of folks are these? What is going on? So many questions (queries, really, but we'll split the infinitive in this case).
It is like on that show Star Trek where these assholes who work on the ship go on "shore leave." What the absolute fuck? Stay on the goddamned ship, you assholes. There is work to be done on the ship. It is a working ship, for crying out louid. Stop fucking abandoning your posts and STAY ON THE JOB WHERE YOU BELONG OR GO BACK TO PLANET EARTH.
In the next scene in the movie, we see two teenagers who are awkwardly trying to date each other and failing miserably. They get hit by a car walking across the street (DOA) and the man driving the car is named Bruce. He gets out and regrets what he has done, but he had a family, so he creates a convincing alibi, leaves his car at the scene, and runs into a nearby diner where he decides to get blind drunk. He is there until closing time and is escorted out of the diner, which doesn't serve booze (he was sipping under the table while playing with the yolk part of his eggs), by a short order cook who beats the living shit out of him behind the diner and leaves him next to a dumpster to die. This is karma in action. Run over a young couple with your car, get beat up outside a diner later on. This is how life works pretty much all the time (with two or three exceptions PER LIFETIME).
Bruce gets up around five o'clock, which is when the early diners are showing up. A few of them give him some good, swift kicks to the ribs, breaking a total of seven and fucking one up so much that a doctor later comments "that will never be right." They all laugh and go into the diner to get some well deserved breakfast after getting in a good bootstomping of a bum. They are discussing how Bruce's situation is keeping them from making it rich in society when a scampering form comes through the diner. It moves very quickly, in what is called a "rapid-pace scamper" and disappears in the men's room.
"That weren't that bum, were it?" one of the bootstompers asks his amiable pal.
"Moving that fast? I doubt it. Probably tree frogs."
The question, of course, is why are the scampering businesspeople in this diner where they allow people to bring in their own booze and get shitfaced at the counter? Why would they come in here?
I've seen people go to Hell for the stupidest infractions. My friend John went to Hell when he died, JUST because he ate meat on a Friday. On the other hand, this asshole Mr. Thompkins from my old neighborhood, "touched" more than fifty kids and he's in heaven with Jesus. What the fuck?
So, there is tension in the movie. There is a dance routine involving zombies, a top hat and cane, and a trippy sequence involving candy canes and a really hot (and half-naked) Mrs. Claus (of Santa Claus fame). And then we are back with Bruce, who has managed to hail a cab and it is dropping him off in front of his brownstone as we join with him. He is not wearing any pants. Something has happened to his penis. It may have been cut off with scissors. There is a lot of blood. He is holding his hands in front of his crotch. You know something wrong went down... but when? There were no bladed weapons involved in the well-justified attacks made on him when he was by the dumpster. When was he cut? Another mystery.
I decided to get up at this point in the movie and go out to the lobby to get myself a soda. Usually it doesn't take long, but I always have to find some chump to buy one for me because I never bring money with me to the movies on account of always going in a way too tight t-shirt with no bra and shorts so short that they crawl up the crack of my ass completely when I sit down. While this impacts my ability to carry money and belongings, it guarantees that men will buy things for me.
There were two men in the lobby who weren't employees. I will be GODDAMNED before I make love to a movie theater employee. Gross. One of the men was digging through the trash, which pretty much eliminated him as a potential soda-buyer due to obvious cash flow issues he was having. The second man was decent looking and seemed to have a job, but his head was enormous. Now, as a woman of some sexual ability, I enjoy taking a man's head completely into my vagina while making love. With a guy like that, I probably would never be able to walk again, and there is no way that I will put myself through that. I needed to find a way to convince the large-headed man to buy me a soda without having to make love to him. It was going to be tricky.
I laid out my plan in front of me. I visualized it in the air (thanks to the human capacity for visualizing things in the air) and came up with a plan. I would offer to let him watch me go down on my girlfriend (I'm straight and don't have a girlfriend) in exchange for a soda and some Junior Mints. I approached and made my offer. He bristled at first, then asked where my money was. I told him to look at my outfit. He said, "I can't without sporting an erection as a result." I told him that would be no problem.
Long story short, I got my soda.
When I got back into the theater, I'd obviously missed some things because a group of people wearing sackcloth dresses were hiding in a basement. Through the windows you can clearly see people scampering around, but what are they up to? The sackcloth-wearing losers appear to be frightened. I have obviously missed some important parts of the narrative during my trip to the lobby.
Some cockroaches, or what appear to be cockroaches, are entering the basement through cracks in the walls. These cockroaches have human faces. They have menacing expressions on those faces. They are observing the sackcloth people. And then they take human form. OMG! WTF!
The movie was out of control and I was having trouble following the plot. It seemed to be all over the place. And then the Abnormal Citizens Brigade showed up. Not in the movie, mind you, the real Abnormal Citizens Brigade that was formed during Trump's second term to root out nonconformists and pulverize them with hammers. They'd found someone with more than two tattoos who was acting kinda ladylike despite being a guy. They dragged him out of the theater. The crowd cheered.
Back to the movie. Another interruption had left me even more confused about the convoluted plot of the movie. The cockroach people had taken human form. They were menacing towards the sackcloth folks, who were now running through tunnels under the naked city. Rats with human faces were coming towards them from the other end of the tunnel. They were trapped between two threats.
To say anymore about what happens at that point would be a spoiler. It is an action packed sequence. The cinematography was to masturbate for.
After the slaughter goes down and the animal-people scamper off in opposite directions in the tunnels, we cut back to that corporate board room. The suits scamper back in, sit down in their chairs, and the man at the head of the table stands up and clears his throat.
"We are winning the battle for this Earth."
And then the credits roll.
There is a mid-credits sequence which shows a skinny looking guy in blue tights standing on a mountain. He is touching himself through the tights and then he starts climbing down the mountain.
I think they might be setting up a sequel.