I apologize.
The videotape was supposed to be for our use only. We never expected it to enter into widespread distribution. Yes, we killed the mother lamb. Right after it gave birth we put a bullet in its head. Then we took that somewhat willing chick Allie and both of us had rude and ungentlemanly sexual relations with her in front of a tractor while the newborn lamb, still frosted with afterbirth looked on. That lamb is going to grow up with severe emotional problems now. I'm sorry.
I apologize.
I pushed that old lady down. I lied to the cops about it, but I'll tell you the truth. We offered to help her cross the street. Six lanes of traffic going nowhere in particular. We were almost to the median when I grabbed the back of her head and shoved her down. We ran to the median and watched as a tractor trailer truck carrying roughly hewn logs bore down on her. She was helpless. We laughed. It wasn't funny. I'm sorry.
I apologize.
I got up a five in the morning every day for the last week and went down to the schoolyard. I distributed free packs of cigarettes to grammar school age children, as well as that old woodsy fellow who has been "left back" in the fifth grade since 1971. Hey, he can't pass the basic courses, so he has to keep repeating. He helped us force the kids to smoke pack after pack of Benson and Hedges 100s. Those kids are now never going to be able to collect social security. I'm sorry.
I apologize.
I did go to the high school dressed up like a sixteen year old girl and try out for the cheerleading squad over the weekend. I had to sleep with the coach, the quarterback and two linemen to do it. They had some pretty hefty sausages and that was cool with me. Kind of like having an extra large Jack Benny Plate. I made the squad and now I have been blowing off practices. Too many hot and sweaty muscular men looking on. I couldn't stand it. I insist on remaining mostly heterosexual and going to cheerleader practice might have an impact on that. I'm sorry.
I apologize.
I've slept with countless junkies and recovering alcoholics. Go to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting sometime and check out the pickings! Most of them were not very clean, but I haven't had a test for STDs in more than a decade. I figure, what's the point? It will probably just be bad news. Now I'm gunning for your daughter's virginity. I'm sorry.
I apologize.
I eat a lot of greasy foods. I laugh at crippled children. I steal heart medication from old fellars. I injure small dogs for the amusement of myself and others like me. I look up girls' skirts. I urinate in people's coffee when they aren't looking. I swear in front of nice families while watching G rated movies at the theatre with them. I don't rewind videotapes. I steal anything that isn't tied down. I break everything else. I smell funny. Other than that, I'm really a pretty nice guy. I'm sorry.
Really, I am. I am really sorry. I need to find a priest or something. In lieu of that, can you forgive me?