Last spring love was in the air. She and I were using the 'M' word' seriously. By July she was distant and seemed uninterested in me flying in for a visit. Two weeks ago she called me. During the course of our conversation she told me she was seeing her next door neighbor.
In many ways that wasn't a bad thing. This is a man who comforted her when her dog Oliver died, mows her lawn because she has asthma and seems in general a decent man. She could do far worse, and frankly after years spent living like a nun she deserves a bit of romance in her life. Plus he enjoys a serious, if temporary, advantage in proximity.
So I resigned myself to "he wins', 'she wins' and I lose. Which I am well accustomed to, so it isn't that big a deal. Losing at love is catastrophic only the first time. After that you know you'll survive. Recently, I have become aware there are more than one fish in the sea.
But then she called me back to discuss her relationship, and that it wasn't quite the fantasy she'd hoped for. We flirted a lot, and I began to think things might break my way; that she might have suddenly realized that proximity wasn't everything. For two nights we discussed things, and the end of the last conversation had me thinking a breakup was imminent.
Now if you're all thinking that I'm Homer Simpson, you're right. In retrospect the foolishness of that line of thought seems patently obvious. I even knew at the time and tried to warn myself. But love is in no way rational. I am living proof of that. I let myself believe what I wanted to believe.
Last night we talked. It was back to 'we have to find you someone'. But most of all, it was that she couldn't bear to lose him, and that she really loved him.
Honestly, I wish her well. The fact that I didn't win doesn't mean she should lose. But for my part I'm done with her. My shoulders are broad and I don't rust, and I'm sure I'll delude myself again. But not for her. I've walked her through enough neurotic crises. That baton has been passsed on.
I love her, but there's no way I'm coming to her wedding.