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A fellow intern won some money gambling and decided to invest it into a handjob, or a “sensual massage” as it’s referred to on Craigslist. I obviously looked at him with disgust and watched as he scoured the net for options.

When my workday ended I returned to my room … alone… yet again, and started thinking. I have no friends in NYC, barely any friends anywhere for that matter. As Ray Romano once said, it’s hard to think of anything else once the launch sequence has started. After doing the usual in my room, that being sitting on my futon and staring at my TV-less wall, I began scouring the net. This eventually led me to Craigslist and a “casual” browsing of the services section. One thing leads to another and suddenly I’m using a public payphone to call some phone numbers.

The first two numbers I call don’t work. This should have deflated the urge… but the countdown was in full effect. Another couple numbers and a connection is made. I am to go Midtown East and call her cellphone again when I reach 57th and 2nd.

I’ve made fun of people who were desperate for poon my entire life. I’ve never even masturbated. I can’t do this… but it seems so reasonable. Walk a few blocks and let Mother Russia make some money. It’s only a massage with an ending… right? No big deal.

I’m off and running to 2nd Ave. As I get closer I think to myself, “Wait, what if this is a sting operation to capture Johns. I’m no fucking John, my life would be ruined having my friends and family find out about this.” I start to reconsider and then I notice there are cops everywhere. Cops and armored vehicles lined the streets on the East side and then I remember the UN was in session that week. Every cop in town is probably on duty for this, there was virtually no chance that they are wasting their time with losers getting rubdowns. I no longer have any excuses left so I just keep going.

I call her and she lets me in. It must have taken a good five minutes to actually find her apartment and get inside due to her broken English. When I get inside she leads me to her massage room and tells me she’ll be right back. I just stand there not knowing if I should get in my boxers, or naked, or stay clothed. I’m completely out of my element. She comes in and asks if I want 30 minutes or an hour. After some thought I tell her in a completely amateur way that, “30 minutes will be plenty.” She either thinks I’m a complete moron or is impressed with my candor. She then made me pay in advance ($80 as advertised) but then she informs me that I also have to pay tip at the end and it’s a $60 minimum. She has correctly decided I’m an idiot.

I’m told to get naked and lie face down. She starts rubbing my back and legs using a special moisturizer that is two parts water and one part sandpaper. Her hands go over my body mechanically and it’s about as sexy as a shoulder rub from my mother. I try to ignore that and make small talk. That quickly leads nowhere as her English is as broken as my self-esteem. I start to realize this was a bad idea, the worst idea I’ve ever ha… wait, did she just graze my balls with her fingers? This is fantastic. This is the best idea I’ve ever had.

After about ten minutes I’m told to flip over. I do so and feel terrible about myself. While the ball graze was lovely, it’s done nothing to convince my member to stop hiding. I start to think of dirty things to at least get things working and get out of the limp noodle stage. It starts to work and then she hits me with the, “Do you want me to take off my clothes? It will be $100 dollars.” You dirty cunt, fuck that, you aren’t good looking anyway. She’s about my height with an ok face and short blond hair, but her A-cup does nothing to compensate for her slight tubbiness. She looks like she’s about 3 months pregnant, which she probably is. After thinking horribly of her, and after she was done counting the $100, we return to business.

She continues to work on my lower extremities eventually getting to the focal point. I now need to share an important detail. I’m not circumcised. Most people find it disgusting. I find everything about penises disgusting and have never understood how people can summarize one type of penis as less disgusting. In reality there is no reason to get circumcised but porn has propagated the belief that is how a penis should look. It’s such a successful advertising campaign that I believe it myself, despite knowing there is no medical or scientific reason to get circumcised.

This is a key fact since it means that… I don’t know how to put this in less disturbing terms. When the sword is unsheathed the weapon is weak. I’m at full salute and she has decided to unsheathe my sword. Not only does this severely hurt when done during peak size but also it’s so sensitive that it actually hurts. It’s like rubbing an open wound. I ask her to slow down a little and she stares at me with a smirk of half disgust and half confusion. She either thinks the request is completely ridiculous or she has no idea what that means in English. No matter what she thinks of me the option of delaying the inevitable didn’t interest her. She continues and as expected it didn’t take long for me to curl my toes and make a mess of myself.

She gave me a couple final tugs to empty the drain and then immediately went about cleaning her hand off. Nuclear waste couldn’t have made her move more quickly. She then offers to let me use the shower to clean up and I decline, wanting to run home to curl up in a ball and cry alone in my own shower. A few baby wipes later I give her everything in my wallet and run out. In total I probably spent around $220 for what was supposed to be an $80 tug. I’m an idiot, a disgusting, low self-esteem, no good to society loser that needs to just jump off a tall building. Although with my luck I’d probably land on a bus of nuns, saving myself and killing the nuns. I can’t do anything right. That pathetic moment of weakness is over and hopefully I can move on.

I just downloaded a Firefox add-on that makes Craigslist service ads display their associated images right under their title lines, which makes browsing quicker and more efficient. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Please send me a message for any criticisms especially concerning my grammar. I have been terrible with my ability to stay in a consistent tense (past / present / future) lately. If you are going to hit me with a negative could you let me know why. Receiving negative marks without reason is never going to help me improve. I look forward to criticism.