My mother's birthday and father's day coming up two days apart.
New level of Personal Awkwardness Purgaroty: standing for a ridiculously long time in the card aisle looking through the shelf of Father's Day cards and discarding prospective ones because you know they are lies.
You were always there for us da-
Nope.
You've taught me every-
Nuh-huh.
For better or worse, you've stuck with us-
Haha, no.
I love you.
. . .
You were the pillar of strength in my life-
Oh Jesus fuck.
Until finally, gold:
"Don't worry, Dad. I say only good things about you to my therapist. . .
(inside)
I blame all the bad shit on mom. Happy father's day."
Perfect.
So thank you, comedic card makers for allowing families like mine to cope with their tangled relationships with humor, rather than overcompensating with saccharine sweet garbage that would only undercut the distinct awkwardness father's day already brings around every year. The five minutes I will spend with my dad this Saturday will be all the less squirm-inducing because of you. Maybe we'll even have eye contact that isn't shamefully short or overbearingly long.