Just one little phrase:
"glistening drop of pre-cum"
Once you see that one, it's time to move on.
Other warning signs include:
- stories based on TV shows
- series stories
- author is at aol.com, msn.com, webtv.com, etc.
- stories based on non-porn movies
- you have to read the first paragraph more than once before it makes any sense at all
- you have to run it through a spellchecker before it makes any sense at all
- after the first page, you scream "Even Piers Anthony could write better porn than this*!"
- none of the characters have names
- Rape victims who turn out to like it (the "real man" syndrome)
- it's a "true story, honest!"
- magic items or breakthroughs in sexual technology (I can say "plot device," can't you?)
- Defying the laws of physics, anatomy, physiology, biology, or nearly any -ology besides theology.
These are, of course, just some general guidelines. Various subcultures do have their own rules and situations, some of which break the above suggestions (
Elf Sternberg comes to mind) and some of which add heavily to these suggestions.
Can you tell I have exacting standards for textporn?
** One does have to wonder, though, if this is a comment on Piers Anthony or a comment on the quality of internet porn.***
*** It's a comment on both. They both suck.