Someone said recently that they admired me for my
independence. For all the
travelling I had done. For all the times I had taken the initiative and done things for myself.
I just responded: "Do you think I had a choice? Do you think I wouldn't have traded all of these chances and places, all of my experience in wandering and searching, just to find one place where I fit?"
I would have traded it. But I wouldn't trade it now -- because it is part of who I am. That seeker element -- not comfortable in one place or life, but finding comfort in some kind of derivative, comfortable in the movement.
Part of it is real cowardice. I see that now -- I had defined freedom as the ability to run away. But part of it is more real than that. As I start to find, now, something like a home, I know that this part of me will resurface, when the time is right, for another round of travelling and seeking.