...and then, right after he signed into the network, the internet totally stopped working. Mark's download of the latest episode of Internet Cum Sluts stopped midway. George, who was on Yahoo! Spades, suddenly couldn't play the winning hand. The webcam teleconference going on with the bosses and that bigass new client shut down.
"Dude," Brad said to Jason, "you totally broke the internet."
"No I didn't!" Jason exclaimed. "All I did was sign in!"
"Hey everybody, Jason broke the internet!" Pam said from across the room. "He fucking just broke it!"
"It must be just our network," Jason said.
Then his phone rang. He answered it. It was his friend in Tokyo. "Noo," said his Tokyo friend, "you did break internet! We no have internet here, either. It broke for wong time!" Then he hung up.
"SON OF A BITCH!" Jason exclaimed. He began banging on his desk.
"Look!" said that mail guy, pointing to the flat screen television mounted on the wall. Jason looked. It was the news.
"This just in," said Ted Koppel, looking at a piece of paper some bitch had just handed him, "apparently Jason has just totally broken the internet!"
"GOD DAMMIT!" Jason exclaimed. He threw his laptop onto the floor and began stomping on it. Plastic bits and pieces began scattering all over the office. "CRAPTOP! CRAPTOP!"
"Hey, I heard Jason just broke the internet!" yelled that asshole in accounting. Jason picked up his laptop and chucked it across the room. It smashed into the wall, narrowly missing that designer fucker's head.
Jason ran to the break room where hours earlier they had just all celebrated Earl's birthday. He jammed his face into the white cake and smeared it around.
"I'm better with icing!" Jason yelled as he bounded out of the breakroom. He ran around the office, flailing his arms about, dropping bits of white icing. "Yeeargghghh!"
"Caldwell!" yelled Jason's boss, poking out of his office. "Did you just break the internet?!"
"FUUUUUCCCK!" Jason screamed, running around in circles. He flopped to the floor and began writhing around. "I'm a baby seal!"
"This just in," said Ted Koppel, after receiving another sheet of paper, "that Jason guy who broke the internet, he's totally flipping his shit!"
Jason got up and screamed. He was so busy going totally bat shit that he didn't hear Jane say "Hey, look, the internet's back up."
Jason ran across the office, lunged himself at the windows on the far wall, smashed through them and...