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Today your friend Behr (your friend Behr) is having dinner with a family he just met. This isn't unusual but this will be the first time that all will live after the meal is complete. One might get hit by a car (this is true) but I won't be involved. I am controlling my kill instinct which tends to be very instinctive in nature. I once slept with a woman who worked in the back of a plant shop but that was a long time ago (back in the 1970s when everything was exactly perfect in America).

I escaped from the Bedlam Psychiatric Hospital but not because I was trying to. What I was trying to do was to get up and go down to the kitchen and get a yogurt and a hard-boiled egg (I have adopted a fundamentalist vegan doctrine and recommend it for good health and to combat climate change). Everything was really quiet and I was up late compared to when the other patients get up. Then I saw the bodies of all the hospital lunch ladies were all over the floor along with several patients. All had been torn apart and gutted as if from within their own bodies which is grotesque if you really think about it. Usually this would give me an erection but I am reformed so it did not which makes me the ideal boyfriend for you or your daughter(s).

Call me.

After looking over this awful slaughter in the dining room, I looked towards the doorway to the kitchen and saw, painted in blood above the door was some vital information..

If you're hungry eat Steve

You can understand how disconcerting (word dannye taught me years ago) this would be for a regular person, but I have been hardened by years of torturing and murdering thousands of victims over the course of 70 years, so I mostly shrugged at this, BUT now that I care about people, I crouched down, made sure the cameras were on me, and squeezed out some tears. Half of the fluid that came out of my eyes was blood.

Inside the kitchen I saw Steve, the cook, naked on the counter. Three of the more depraved patients were chewing on his flesh and he was still alive and begging me to help him.

Truth be told, he was better off dead at that point so I let them have their way with him. A man can't live for more than a couple days while being eaten. I wasn't impressed.

After that I walked out through the front door (which was now unlocked and open) and after stepping over more bodies, I put on my sunglasses with the move I copied from beloved actor David Caruso in his Emmy Award winning potrayal of some guy in hit television series CSI: Miami (cancelled for good reasons). Then I walked down the road looking for some house with an unlocked front door so I could fix me some dinner (without killing or hurting anyone - although I still like to terrify them with what my erstwhile former lover Chopper used to call my "Aphex Twin look" which is a reference I do not understand).

This family has now shit themselves twice but they are fixing me dinner for the second night in a row. Good on them.

My friends.