I was looking for love. She was looking for the same thing. I loved her smile. She loved the idea of walking away.
Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling, possessed psychiatrist. Welcome to my Pulitzer Prize winning column on mental health. Please note that I have been thoroughly and completely discredited by every known professional psychiatric organization. As a result, I have many open appointments available. Call for morning, afternoon, and evening appointments. Some weekend times available. Please note that there is a sexual man living in my house. I keep him away from clients, who I see in my house. $80/hour. Sliding scale. Thanks for your call. It is very important to us.
Do you use the rhythm method for family planning? Do you realize that doesn't work? We can talk about it. Over coffee. In my office. Sometimes my hands WILL roam to your thighs during the appointment. I don't give TWO SHITS how you feel about that. It will happen. It WILL HAPPEN. If you get pregnant, don't blame me. I already told you that the rhythm method doesn't work. But oh, oh the rhythm when I nail my clients in my office. Just nail them. Sex. Great. I am possessed by a sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man. Please help me. Come to my house in Utica. I will absolutely creep you out, but that DOES NOT mean I am not worth saving. OKAY?
If you are feeling a little down, eat some fucking fruit. Don't whine. Motherfucker. Come here. Into my office. I will THROW THIS COFFEE INTO YOUR FACE if you even so much as question my methods. Kneel. Kneel before Lord Behr. KNEEL!
How is your mental state? We can talk about it. I am professional psychiatrist. Call me for an appointment. I have a secretary. My hands WILL go to your thighs during the appointment. I will be satisfied. Even if it is after you leave. I can self-stimulate. I take pictures of you in my home office bathroom going tinkle. I LOOK AT THOSE PICTURES AFTER YOU LEAVE. Please call me for an appointment. I need the cash. I killed a man named Behr and took his wife to Italy and now he lives INSIDE ME. Please help. I am possessed by Friend Behr. Please. Send money. $70,000.
I'll sell you my Acura. How much will you give me for it? I have never taken it off-road and I changed the oil regularly BEFORE BECOMING POSSESSED BY EVIL SPIRIT. You can drive out to look at it. Sit in the car. We can go on a test drive. My hands WILL move to your thighs during the test drive. It is to be expected. Standard operating procedure. Gender norms. Psychiatry. Welcome to the dawn. I look forward to seeing you at your first appointment. I will put a fresh pot of coffee on. Sit there in my chair. Scratching holy hell out of my balls. I haven't showered in weeks. Friend Behr's spirit WILL NOT ALLOW IT. Scratching holy hell out of my balls. In a ratty old bathrobe. Asking you about your family and your childhood. Scratching my balls. Did you feel unloved as a child? Holy hell my balls. How were your relationships with sexual partners in early adulthood? Were they traumatic. Scratching my balls like crazy. Bathrobe. Asking you questions. How about that? CALL ME AND HAVE COFFEE WITH ME IN MY OFFICE I WILL CHARGE YOU FULL PRICE. How about that?
Medically yours,
Dr. Peter Swilling