The year is 1956 but not the 1956 you remember from history books
After the liberals took power with the shocking upset win by Hubert H. Humphrey in the 1968 Presidential Race
This began a dark era of uncontrolled liberalism and by 1956 a small but devoted group of discontented conservatives had formed The Resistance,
an organization dedicated to overthrowing the liberal dictatorship led by Chancellor Humphrey
Things have gotten grim for our heroic Resistance fighters but there is talk of a "chosen one" rising to lead the ragtag resistance
But will he be found before Chancellor Humphrey locates the Resistance base and destroys it with the Seventh Fleet?
EPISODE ONE: THE PHANTOM MENACE
My name is Harry Porter and I am an ordinary American. That's right, I said "American" and not "Dude," as in "Dude hanging in the Inoffensive Country," as the liberals have renamed my once proud country. I am an American, and I was getting tired of all my hard work being for nothing. Regulations prohibited me making any money off the cattle I sold and so I'd have to give them away after feeding and caring for them and turning them into steak. It was frustrating not being able to make any money from my own labors and reinforce my Protestant work ethic, but I was required to get money from the government to live on and could not make any money on my own.
I knew about The Resistance, but I didn't like rabble rousing. I lived in an apartment in New York City with my neighbor Encyclopedia Brown across the hall from me and two other friends who visited regularly, Hermione Taylor and Winston. Encyclopedia Brown was an unpredictable financial genius who had been driven mad under the Liberal Reich and now popped into my apartment unpredictably with sudden and inexplicable body movements to accompany his madcap ideas. Hermione Taylor was my ex-girlfriend who I was now friends with and Winston was my bald, overweight loser friend who always had some disaster to report on.
This was my life, and it was pretty unsatisfying. I think it was a Thursday when I was outside bringing the cattle back into the barn when I was approached by two men in long robes talking about finding "The Chosen One." I figured they were as mad as Encyclopedia Brown, but they weren't making jerky body movements or rambling. They were being pretty coherent as they waited for me to get my cattle back into the barn and then approached me.
"We are looking for The Chosen One. My name is Former Congressman Joe Moore and this is my young learner, Gerald Ford. We have come to your remote outpost because we heard stories of a young person with incredible conservative credentials."
"Conservative credentials are illegal," I said, referring to the 1978 dissolving of the Republican National Committee by Chancellor Humphrey and the passage of the Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America that made any expression of conservative thought to be treated with extreme mental reprogramming that was more painful than it sounds.
I had almost gotten Former Congressman Joe Moore and his young learner to go away when my neighbor Encyclopedia Brown came sliding down the street on some soap bubbles that were coming out of some kind of skateboard with a motor on it that he was riding on. "Look out!" he yelled as he crashed into us, out of control, stood up and made a wry expression as he said, "I need to work a little on the stopping."
The streets were thick with street performers doing all sorts of useless things and blocking traffic most of the time. I decided to get a cab, as it was difficult to get around the city without a ride, and Encyclopedia Brown jumped in with me as we sped away.
"Who were those guys?" Brown asked me. "They seemed serious."
"Resistance, I think," I told Brown. "I didn't want to be seen talking to them."
"Yeah, street performers pay attention to all that stuff, they're on the CIA payroll and everything, you know."
"No, they're not. That's ridiculous, Brown!"
"So says you," Brown said before banging his head on the ceiling of the cab.
"Are these things getting smaller?" Brown asked about the cab.
I was trying to ignore the driver, because of what he was doing while driving, but then he destroyed my efforts by announcing what he was doing to both of us. "I'm masturbating up here, you know. I've got my genitals covered with motor oil and I'm really working it here."
"Can you drop us off at the next intersection, please?"
"I'm almost there," he stammered.
"Just stop the car right here, asshole."
"Hey, man, that isn't friendly talk. The Chancellor wouldn't like that."
"Just let us out."
Once we were out and Brown recovered his balance after tripping on the curb comically, he asked me, "Where were we going, anyway?" I was going to explain to him that we were just getting away from the Resistance types before we were seen with them. As always, Brown just went along with what I did, following along behind me, and finishing my ice cream for me when I waited too long to finish it at the ice cream parlor we often went to.
The Chancellor was on television in the ice cream parlor, as he often was in the afternoons, lying around in his bathtub naked talking about tripping on LSD. We listened to him for a while as a young couple had sex on one of the tables after eating matching ice cream sundaes. It was getting to be more than I could stand, all this liberalism, and then the two men from The Resistance walked in.
"Are you following me?" I snapped when I saw them standing over the table.
"Where did you get that tie?" Brown asked Former Congressman Joe Moore. "You don't see men with ties on very much anymore. Classy."
"I got it from my sister," Moore told him. "She gave it to me a couple years ago... on Christmas."
That word sent the entire room into silence as the customers, including the young couple doing it on a table, as Christmas had been illegal since 1984. No one was even allowed to talk about it as we just had Earth Days and Gay Pride Days and Marry Your Cat to Your Dog Days. These men were serious, and if they weren't part of The Resistance, then they were either crazy or French.
"My name is Former Congressman Joe Moore. My young learner and I would like for you to come with us."
"What about my friend Encyclopedia Brown? He's my comic foil."
"That never works out in the long run," Moore said as he stroked his chin. "You can come with us, Brown, but to which direction does your loyalty lie?"
"I'm curious," said Brown. "I used to work in the financial district, but then banking was outlawed and money was distributed to the liberals and now I just lie around acting crazy and coming up with crazy ideas."
"Then you know the pain of the liberal empire. Come with us, Brown. Learn our ways."
I could not believe I was leaving the ice cream parlor with two Resistance fighters. This was not the path I expected my life to take, but my dissatisfaction with watching masturbating taxi drivers and strippers with no boobs had forced my hand. I was suffocating under The Reich and I needed to stop sitting still and acting. This was my call to action.
Former Congressman Joe Moore had a Bat Cave just outside the city, as we were taken to it in his Mercedes. He owned the car, he explained, but he had to hide the registration and tell officials from the Liberal Reich that he had "found it in a parking lot and you know, just kinda started driving it, you know?" which was how things were done in the country once known as the United States of America but now known simply as "Inoffensive Country." We no longer scared anyone, not with masturbating cab drivers and street performers on every corner. We were seeing terrorist attacks every fifteen minutes, on average, and most of our national monuments and tall buildings had long since been destroyed.
"Nice Bat Cave," Encyclopedia Brown said after hitting his head on a rock and righting himself after dancing around in comical pain for several seconds. When young learner Gerald Ford did the same exact thing, Former Congressman Joe Moore and I had a moment of realization. We were the same. And we would bond over it. We looked deeply into each other's eyes for a while, like we were looking into a doll's eyes and seeing what they saw and feeling what they felt, but we were both men.
"You are a conservative," Moore told me. "You know this. You know this in your heart. Join with us. Join The Resistance."
I shook his hand and agreed. Encyclopedia Brown joined The Resistance as well, because he thought it would be "good for a larf."
He had no idea the battles we would fight in during the dark days to come, but The Resistance needed a new hero.
"Harry Porter, I think you are the hero we have been waiting for."
"I'm not a hero. I have cattle to get into the barn. I have to give them to people for free, but I can't even slaughter them and make steaks because the liberals consider that to be cruelty to animals and tell me to eat a fucking eggplant. I have to do these things."
"Why do you have to do them, Harry? What is the purpose of working hard, maintaining a proper Protestant work ethic, and then not being able to profit off people? Why even bother? In the world we conservatives would build on the ruins of this one... we would build giant corporations and railroads and rebuild Wall Street and start making big money off these suckers."
"But how do we fight? There are too many of them and most of the conservatives, those in the rebellion of 1981, were killed in prison camps. There aren't enough of us to fight Chancellor Humphrey and the Seventh Fleet."
"You need to have faith, Harry. You need to have faith in the value of money and hard work. You need to believe. And then you can do anything. The liberals have gotten what they wanted, complete control of the country, and they have made a mockery of what it once was, but they have gotten lazy and they don't take us seriously as a threat any longer. Together a small band a defiant rebels can change history."
I could hear the new National Anthem on the Bat Cave radio and it caused me to ball up my fists. I never understood why the liberals had decided on "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails as the National Anthem of Inoffensive Country, since I thought it was a pretty offensive song for such an inoffensive country. I'm not kidding about that.
"I'll join you. What do we do now?"
"Right now there are a dozen Resistance fighters trying to secure the plans for Pearl Harbor, the Liberal Reich's new naval base in Hawaii. If we can destroy Pearl Harbor, and catch the Seventh Fleet docked in Pearl Harbor, then we can cripple the Reich in the Pacific and get some pretty nice property to live on in Hawaii. After that we regroup, sell off some real estate on the big island, and then plan our next move."
"Chancellor Humphrey will never sit still for that, and it isn't like someone hasn't tried an attack on Pearl Harbor before. It cannot be done. It is too powerful of a naval base."
"And that, Master Porter, is why you will need to find your faith."
Part Two: The Attack of the Liberals