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I have been captured by what I will ostensibly call "people from under the ground." This is clearly a setback. I don't know if you know what a setback is or not, because honestly most of you are too dumb to find your way out of a public toilet with the door welded shut ON PURPOSE but there you go. I am experiencing a setback.

These "people" are making my head undergo psychological testing, requiring them to sever it and bring it to their secret underground lair. Do you have any idea how hard it is to navigate around the furniture without a head? I am hoping their return it soon.

If you could send me $70,000 as soon as possible, that would be great as I am your friend and I care about you so you need to care about me and send this money NOW. Send it to Secret Underground Lair, People from Under the Ground City, Somewhere Outside Silver City, Iowa, USA. Please include your return address and the phrase "I am well, do not investigate me" somewhere on the envelope where it can be read.

Thank you for your support.