My classic looking mullet headpiece from 1960s mod Europe has been sliding off my sweaty bald head. It is frustrating when trying to conduct small business dealings or to lecture my class at the for profit university where I am a fully tenured professor of ethics who wrote the famous doctoral thesis called Ethics Under the Sea. Save your applause. I am your friend. You support me in everything I do and I will support you in whatever you do that I find myself in agreement with. This is the basis for ethics.
What I did was go down to this apartment in the old "neighborhood" where my mother and I scratched out a meager existence in the early 1970s (when America was great before) by eating live rats even though we had grocery money. We were on a stipend of some kind while my father worked for the CIA (while also serving in the Stasi and a commercial fishing endeavor out of Wales (part of the United Kingdom - might want to jot that down, sailor).
In this apartment lived an old barber, now in his 90s, who had cut all the kids' hair back in the day. I was put back in grammar school in my early 40s because my transcripts from Germany in the late 1930s were "suspect" according to them because they were from what they called "special government schools." I guess they didn't understand that we Germans weren't communists. We were real Americans.
I had this old timer with his shaky hands, wet spot in his trousers, and history of bothering neighborhood children use a staple gun to drive 37 of the longest staples the staple gun would hold through the well aged leathery material that made up the skull cap of the mullet headpiece, through the fleshy part of my head and straight through the hard skull (which is why you need a staple gun with extra long staples with the very sharp points). Despite tingly feeling that continues even now, as well as what can be described as sharp electrical shocks that happen intermittently (especially while I am walking or socializing with the ladies), I am enthusiastic about having taken this very mature and sensible decision. I love making mature, responsible, and sensible decisions. As an adult, I consider these three principles to be as important as The Holy Bible and The United States Constitution, which are the two documents I follow to the letter.
Regardless, tonight I am doing another performance in the "piss pit" at the local businessmen's club. I am enthusiastic to know my headpiece will stay on throughout tonight's show. A bigger bag of heroin would bring a bigger wad of cash with which I can cover my profit projection shortfalls this month. Good stuff.
My friends.