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I've lost count of the days since my decision to give up painkilllers. Someone once told me that I should be glad of that, as it's a sign that I'm pulling through. I wonder at the wisdom of that statement:

I've woken up today to feel my leg throbbing and very painful. All along the left of my leg there's a sharp ache that makes it hard to get comfortable in any way. The Sofa doesn't work, bed doesn't work and the computer chair seems to be the least of the evils. The skin over much of my body is itching and there doesn't seem to be a cause or cure for it.

I already drank too much alcohol this week; besides it's 11:30 am and it's too early for alcohol. I'm this close to taking the five minute walk to the chemists. It's only mild (but worsening) agoraphobia that is preventing me from making the trip. Ironic that a phobia can be helpful sometimes.

I long for codrydramol, paracetamol, ibuprofen, cocodamol, dihydrocodeine or diconol. I want the wonderful warm numb fuzzy feeling of too many drugs. I want to be able to ignore the world for a few hours. I want to feel the drugs begin to work in my torso, then the euphoric feeling as they travel around my system. I want to know if I really need any of the above.

Perhaps I should flip a coin; heads I take something, tails I don't. Maybe I should read a book, or write more nodes. I have many chores around the house to do, but standing hurts right now. Perhaps that's it: keep busy, boredom is my enemy.