There's not much daylight left to write by. What's left of the sun seems blunted and bleak. A pale star in an empty sky. Everything else is done for the day, and I have enough calories in me that I won't be in danger. Fuck it. Let's have a drink...
or two, and...
...sit down to write.
-------------------------------------------------------
There's this part of me that wants to wants to hide. There's this part of me that wants to still be inside you. There's this part of me that wants to make a home of you, and to stay there.
I've been so angry.
There have been so many mistakes you haven't even realized that you've made. Because you have no sense of perspective. You barely have a conscience. Your head's either shoved up your ass in the best of times or buried in the sand when you don't want to deal with things. You always want to be let off the hook. The only people in your life who can ever hold you accountable for anything are the people who are willing to kick your ass. And aside from family you never keep anyone around for very long.
It's hindering you and your ability to grow and mature and evolve. It's keeping you stumbling ass-backwards into the same traps over and over again. You will always be a child, within this lifetime. You're doomed to it. And we'll all have to deal with it.
Sometimes I wonder if you'd even recognize me.
You're not a runner. You hear me? You're NOT. a RUNNER. You're a QUITTER. LEARN the fucking difference.
I don't think it'll ever pass.
There are so many things that you did and said, half-consciously. Things that you couldn't comprehend the consequences of before during or after the fact. You didn't understand their effect, and you wouldn't remember them if I tried to tell you. I know that I didn't allow myself to react to those things in front of you. I didn't allow myself to be emotional, I didn't allow myself to hurt. I bear the responsibility for that. But that doesn't change the hurt in any way.
Even if you were to say you were sorry for 'whatever it was' how am I supposed to accept an apology from someone who doesn't understand what they're apologizing for? How do I take that with any sincerity, if they haven't really learned a thing? This is the last thing I got to learn about myself through you. How harsh I really am. How hard it is for me to forgive. Now can you see why I never wanted to be anybody's father? Well guess what? You still don't know the half of it.
-------------------------------------------------------
God, okay. That's enough. Put the pen down. Enough. Lift the drink. Lower the drink. Keep it steady. Hold on. Be strong.