A lot has happened recently. Last night I stopped by the store where I used to work. I dropped off a card and a keychain for someone who has a birthday coming up, and I thought about something I have been told repeatedly, that if I poured all the love and energy into others that I do into myself, my life would be amazing. But the thing is, my life is already amazing. Last night I had plans to meet someone after work. We had been chatting for a while, it felt real and it felt right. The other times hadn't worked, last night I was able to get off early, it was going to be great. Except after he told me that he was still at his brother's baseball game, I didn't hear from him again. He never called, didn't text, I ended up going to bed after sending him a text asking if he had changed his mind about getting together that evening.
So today I woke up feeling sorry for myself. I tried not to think about it, but that's hard to do. Finally I laid in bed thinking; I am sad, I am hurting, I am lonely. I could have sent that to him, but I didn't. Then I was mad. Then I was in the mood for vengeance and striking out. That faded, I got some writing done, then I was in the mood to forgive him. I could have sent him words to that effect, but I didn't. I had a long talk with a friend about how certain people want to smooth things over in case the other person's feelings are hurt. I don't know what happened, I could speculate, but that serves no purpose. I had a choice. Take action, or let him reach out. After waiting all day I sent him a goodnight Snapchat. I saw that all of the snaps that had been saved were gone, except for the ones that I had saved, and that hurt my feelings. I might never hear from him again, and I'm okay with that. I left the door open and maybe I shouldn't have done that, but as of right now, I have no regrets.
I'm going to get a good night's sleep and enjoy a second day off in a row. Our district manager stopped by unannounced the other day and that was tough. I really like him and admire him, but I'm having a lot of trouble with the people at work because the manager is very laid back, to the point where basic things are neglected, and that's too laid back for me. I'm going to see a condo tomorrow, and I'm optimistic, but sad because the house that I really wanted has an offer. I'm sure that things will work out, but I'm also becoming more interested in how I feel, getting curious about that, and sitting with it. My place has rarely been this clean or organized, but the happiness is fleeting. Life without others is pretty empty. I have things I didn't think I would and am missing things that I thought I would have right now, but I stand by my original statement. My life is amazing and I'm really proud of how far I have come and the progress that I have made during these first few months of 2019. The Brewers lost to the Cubs, but tomorrow is a new day, and I for one and very grateful for that.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. Forgiveness feels good.
j