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Yesterday I was diagnosed with Influenza A; earlier in the week a prominent decision maker in the company told me that; 'the progress just isn't there', and I was 'offered' a position as the night receptionist. No specific examples were given during this brief interview, a lot of people have told me that I should have pushed back and asked for a list of reasons, but I felt that it was in my best interests to put up and shut up. I've seen what happens to people who challenge authority there, even if they are entirely justified in doing so as I believe that I would have been. Not once has anyone in management come to me with the usual types of things that follow a demotion; expectations not being met, verbal and possibly written warnings, expressing concerns about my ability to do the job and its duties, as a matter of fact, and I believe I wrote this earlier, I was told in December by this same person that our department had never run so smoothly. Several have told me that they would have walked, and of course I considered it. Then the more practical side of my brain kicked in and reminded me that I have rent to pay, need to eat, etc...

Friday I walked in to find a note on my desk explaining that I would be starting my new hours on Monday. Certain people have tried to spin this as something other than a demotion, but they are not selling me with this sizzling hot take. The person who currently has this job has been very vocal about not wanting those hours, I heard a rumor that the person they tried to give this job to didn't want it, and someone whose opinions I generally trust told me that in this person's opinion, they talked to me about moving and then found someone else for the job I have now. This seems ludicrous to me, but one weird thing that has never made sense to me about the company in general is how little regard they have for efficiency. I told a fellow employee that introverts are punished; mostly because I believe this to be true. There's a high priority on things like; getting along and joking with others, being a family owned company, tag lines that ring so hollow when you observe how business is carried out, and how those who are actually terrific producerse are treated on a day to day basis. 

I was super proud of how I handled that horrid meeting. When I was first confronted with the news I did tell them that I was always open to feedback which was my way of saying - hey, you could explain what I need to be doing better, or where I am failing, but they sailed right over that and went into the new job specifics, how great I will be at this position because I already know the people and the products. Receptionists are very poorly treated at the company, often not getting a lunch break on a regular basis which is inexcusable to me. They only have two people for the position which is another short sighted way to operate in my opinion. I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that I am angry, upset, bitter, sad, depressed, cynical, and in the unfortunate position of not being able to really vent at work since now I am on their radar and they will be watching for signs that I have a poor attitude, or am 'stressed out' which is another thing that made me laugh. I probably am stressed at work, and one of the things I'm glad I said was that I took on too much because other people were not doing their jobs, but whatever, the final result is the same.

On a happier note, before I learned how sick I really was, my youngest asked if I could pick her up so she could spend the night. I feel terrible that I exposed her to this virus, however it is also cold and flu season and I had no way of knowing I would go downhill so quickly. The woman I will be working with has been largely supportive and I believe that we will work well together since we are mostly opposites with some of the same goals. She's an old soul, she's funny with a drier sense of humor, and I'm praying that this goes well. The evil side of me was secretly hoping that the new person will be grossly incompetent, or have some other major failing, however this hurts people I love and care about, and is also not the person I want to be. One good thing to take away from this is how many people think that this is a bullshit move, and not anything I should fault myself for, others have wondered if I have a secret enemy which could also be true. I've pondered it and decided that I will probably never know why the transition occurred, only that I have to wrap my head around being astonishing at this new job which hopefully won't be too bad.

I want to move to Florida so I spent some time finding a place to live. The other day I was talking to a woman at work who has picked up and moved far away, and it was a very good conversation for me to have heard. I want to be warm, I want to see the sun, I want to see the water and swim in it. I'm sure there is a bit of fantasy there, if only I lived in Florida, then all of my problems would vanish like clouds in the sky, but I also think that I would do better in a warmer climate and with a fresh start. I've thought about what I would take if I moved, where I would work, how I would go about meeting new people, how I would deal with the inevitable loneliness, and what would happen if things in Florida went south in a hurry and my dream lifestyle failed to materialize. Then I thought about the good possibilities too, what if I do like it? What if there is a fabulous job, wonderful place to live, or what if it is a lateral move where I trade some of the things I enjoy about Wisconsin for others that endear Florida to me? 

It feels as if I am at a crossroads in my life, and need to decide what to do sooner rather than later. But for now this is all just musings and ramblings of mine although I do feel better having written.

All my best.

J

P.S. I tried painting and am not sure if it is because I am not feeling well or somehow lost the ability because this last piece is not working on many levels...

Xoxo,

j