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Eighteen years ago I held my oldest daughter for the very first time. I had no idea things would turn out as they did, but I still remember the bundle of blankets and her tiny face with the serious eyes that I imagined were looking into mine. It was scary to have her drop so much weight, had I known then what I do now, things would be different, but all the books I read hadn't prepared me for the tiny person that went home with us. I say us because he was there, but one of the loneliest feelings was being in labor while he and my mother were in the room with me. Thankfully things were very different the second time around, but that's a story for another day.

I had no idea how tired I truly was. Today I took a nap, the long, powerful kind where you wake up with marks on your face and a dim idea of what planet you are on, what season it is, and what day of the week it might be. I have a three day Pilates streak going and I'm marveling at the fact that I was too tired to do a video that took less than fifteen minutes, and in some cases even less time, but it's true. Perhaps I am, or was, depressed, but now I'm convinced that being perpetually and chronically sleep deprived might have driven me and others into clinics and psychiatric facilities when lack of sleep was one of the main underlying issues. 

I'm so happy today. My heart feels light, I'm more carefree than I can ever remember being, and I'm sure a large part of it is finally being able to start catching up on my sleep. I tackled some of the paperwork that was in my inbox, paid off a bill for one daughter, made a dent in another one, and marveled at how I am still being the responsible one, trying to pick up the pieces of our lives long after ink on my divorce dried up and started fading. I deleted the dating app for now. I may go back to it at some point in time, but I'm tired of the whole thing. It feels like work, like a game, where two people are more suspicious of each other than attracted to someone, and that's just not my jam.

I've had some really vivid dreams, both featuring the father of my children. In one I am on some sort of large vessel, might be a boat, could be a plane, and I'm told I need to get going only to find that there are an insurmountable number of possessions that I need to pack, and nobody else is there to help me. I do my best as people come along to be snide or upbraid me, I have another child I have never seen before, in my dream this sort of makes sense, then I see another girl, and question her, then realize that she isn't my daughter, but apparently the third girl is and I am now responsible for her too. Initially she is a baby, then she's quite a bit older. Strange indeed.

The dream I had earlier tonight involved an older house full of all sorts of junk. This turns into a version of the store where I used to work. I'm cleaning and organizing and wondering why he has two places when I only have one. He stops by with his girlfriend, I made a little Elmo thing for her and she doesn't want to accept it, but I insist, we hug, and then we go back to these two gay men, one of whom tells me that he has the knife that he does because of me. I use it to slice some chicken and remain impressed with the quality and craftsmanship. In the previous dream I found some fabulous clothes for my aunt, this doesn't have that type of closure, I'm happy when I awake and realize none of it was real.

Much love,

J

P.S. I can't remember the last time my mood was this good, as if nothing and nobody could bring me down. I'm so happy I left my job when I did. I think being fresh and relaxed going into the next opportunity is going to make all the difference in the world.

Until next time,

j