Last night I went to an event that was hosted by a client of my husband's. I arrived there before he did and stood around talking to people I didn't know until he arrived. There was a variety of snacks set out and people circulating with different appetizers that looked amazing. We had a chance to speak with two of the chefs who were responsible for the eats and drinks that night and I learned a lot from a guy named Geno who used to work for the owner of the company, but now has his own catering business that allows him to spend the majority of his time at home with his three children.
I stayed longer than I should have, but I don't regret it from an emotional standpoint as it was good for me to get out and mingle with new people. Tonight I'm meeting some baseball aquaintances in Madison, our family is hoping to make a day of it, and I don't want to stay too long, but I think we'll have a good time chatting about the off season and getting to know each other on a level that Twitter doesn't typically allow. Today my youngest daughter told me that she misses me and I used to be fun which made me very sad.
I gave her a hug and asked her to tell me more about why she missed me and how much fun I used to be. She said that I ignore her and when I asked for more information about that she said that I'm always too busy to spend time with her. She has a valid point and I apologized for my behavior. I also pointed out that just yesterday I had taken her to the store and bought some treats that were just for her as they were things her sister couldn't have, but the bottom line is that if she feels ignored, then she has a right to feel that way.
Another part of the problem is sometimes when she wants attention is not when I have it, and other times when I'm asking her to spend time with me she's off in her room or otherwise involved or ignoring me. We had a chat this morning about food. She misses eggs and sandwiches and is frustated and upset because she can eat things that her sister and I can't so she thinks that we should have these foods in our house. Last night there was an industrial wood stove and a rotisserie oven going so my throat is very dry this morning.
I'm so tired today. A lot of the time I feel like I don't breathe well. We bought some books, one is called Ancient Wisdom, Modern Kitchen, I'm excited about that, but beneath that veneer of enthusiasm I am tired at the cellular level. Last night I ate a small bowl of curried butternut squash soup with pumpkin seeds and coconut cream. It was the kind of food that I can never find in restaurants and that makes me sad. Tonight I'm going to go out with friends and not find much on the menu that I can have which is fine, but very tiring.
I don't know what the answers are anymore. Do we just stay home? Bring our own food? Say the hell with it and eat what we want when we're out and come home to get sick here? We started the dishes that I had asked the girls to do last night. They made this boxed noodle dish that I had asked them not to and scorched it onto the bottom of the pan. We bought a five pound package of ground beef that my daughter wants me to make, and I told her I would as soon as the kitchen was clean.
Right now I'm so tired I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open. I no longer care about a clean house or the next meal or anything other than my nice warm bed. I overdid it yesterday and I didn't really do much according to what most people do in a typical day. I feel like I care about less and less, my focuses are getting narrower, as if I'm slowly becoming unable to see past this bubble of my house and really the only rooms I go into regularly are the kitchen, my bedroom, the living room, and the bathroom.
I'm too tired to care about the angst of my youngest or the problems my oldest faces as a young woman with food allergies who will want to go out on dates and kiss others and I almost laughed when someone told me that we must eat very clean meals at home. Things aren't bad, but they aren't good either. I should not be feeling like this, but I do. It's physical fatigue, emotional exhaustion, psychological stress, and I'm working slowly towards tiny steps that I'm hoping will lead more forward.
Lots more on my mind, but I need a nap.
Take care,
Jess