Lately I've been frustrated with my emotional state. I was on the verge of bursting into tears for a couple of days. The new audiobook is much more difficult to hear than I thought it would be. I find myself listening to it for a couple of minutes, and then finding some music to distract myself from thinking and examining my feelings surrounding the topic of motherhood. Sunday was tough at work. My boss and his assistant talked to me about a couple of things before the day officially started. I was told that I was going to be given more opportunities to take initiative, and that I was good at talking to customers, but I needed to focus on the tasks at hand more. This made me really upset, I was not in a good frame of mind to work with anyone, but I went about my day, and fortunately ended up working with a very nice younger woman who had empathy for me since she's new at her job too.
Yesterday I woke up with a terrific headache. There was all sorts of pressure inside of my head, and I didn't know how to get rid of it. I thought my manager would be there when I got in, and he wasn't. That felt like I was catching a break since I had decided to speak with him about the conversation we had on Sunday morning. It was me and another guy I work with when the second guy came in, and because neither of us were expecting him, there was a moment of awkwardness when we saw him. We weren't doing anything wrong, but there was a weird vibe to the moment, and I didn't like it. Normally I prefer to work with him, yesterday, things felt different. We went through some role playing, neither of them wanted to, but realized that it was an important part of the training process so we went through a couple of scenarios, with each of us taking turns being the customer, and the employee.
I was in a mood and I knew it. One of the guys asked if I was mad and I said no. I had asked him to stop interrupting me in an earlier conversation. He told me I was sassy, and I think he felt like there was a reason I wasn't treating him the way I normally do, but couldn't quite figure out what it was. He's a creative problem solver, and yesterday, I was his problem. I was sitting at a table with the other guy when he asked me again what was wrong. I told him I didn't know, and that I was really sad. When he asked why I repeated what I had said earlier; that I didn't know. That was really true. He asked if I had personal things going on that I didn't want to talk about, but I really didn't. Things are status quo with the girls for now. It's not normally a state I enjoy, but I'm enjoying a bit of equilibrium. The day dragged, we had very few customers, doubtless many stayed inside due to the gloomy and rainy day.
Since I had missed a call from my boss I returned it on my way home. We ended up talking about Sunday, some of the dynamics at work, I did start crying, but after the call ended, I felt a lot better than I had before. I sent a text to the guy who had helped train me. He told me he had taken a sale from me, I knew he had and I was waiting for an apology, but never received one. I think he felt bad that he had taken that from me, and I didn't really care about the money so much as he passed on an opportunity to help the new person out after I had given him all the business that I had even after I had started. Next time I'm going to ask for an apology right away, that was the missing piece yesterday, or one of them from my point of view. I think I would have felt better receiving one, and he would have felt better giving one, but it's in the past now.
Still working on my time and money management skills, but proud of myself for doing more cooking than I have in the past. Seeing the Brewers win at Wrigley Field was a highlight of my day. The team store is open until 8:00 tonight, and a part of me really wants to drive down there to be a part of the mania. The cautious and conservative side of me is warning me that I'm trying to be more mindful of my spending, the other half of me says that this happens rarely, and it's enough just to drive down to Miller Park because it's a place that I love despite its flaws and reminders of the uglier sides of capitalism. I would really like to get a manicure, pedicure, and a massage. I would like to join the YMCA, but I'm so tired that a lot of this seems like a fantastic dream. I'm going to therapy in half an hour, and looking forward to hearing what a professional has to say. Grateful that I still have health insurance, that eases my mind.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. I later discovered that writing about a character I hadn't previously was unsettling, I think that had something to do with my mood, but I'm not really sure how or why exactly.
j