Last Friday I had a terrible afternoon. I drove home
hating people I used to like and wondered how I could have put up with
them for so long knowing what they were like. This Friday I woke up
unemployed. Monday was my last day and since then I've been having
dreams/nightmares about my old job. Thursday night I woke up sometime
during the middle of the night and didn't fall back asleep until after
four.
Last Saturday a guy whose wife I know slightly said he knew some people
that I could network with in order to get a new job. At the time I was
exhausted which is a chronic state for me. I told him and his wife that I
wasn't sure I wanted to go back to work at all and if I did I would
like to work part time. I honestly didn't expect him to follow up but he
did and even went so far as to speak to a friend of his about an
opportunity at the company he works with. At the time I remember
thinking - this guy is going to an awful lot of effort on my behalf and
he doesn't even know me.
The friend emailed me to say he would push my resume to the top of
the list when it came through. Since I've been considering leaving my
previous job for a while I had an updated version of my resume saved on
my dead computer. Friday morning I didn't feel like retyping it and I
remember having sent my resume to a friend of mine who had wanted to
pass it along.
After I resurrected my old resume, I tweaked it a bit and since I
felt like shit I didn't spend as much time proofing it as I should have.
There were thousands of things on my to do list but I felt as if I
needed a nap. When I woke up I started crying. It was another dream
about work that didn't make sense the way dreams often don't and I sent a
text to my friend explaining that I felt bad that I had thrown a resume
together. She was nice about it, agreed that I should have proofed
things more carefully and said that didn't sound like something I would
normally do.
I opened my email inbox to find a very nice email that basically said
WTF is going on with your resume. I gave the email a quick read, felt
like kicking myself and the computer and sent back a reply that
restated some points he had made in his original response. For a long
time I have been telling people that my life is one big fucked up mess
and most of the time people say things along the lines of 'You have it
more together than you think you do'. While everyone makes mistakes I wish I wasn't so hard on myself and hadn't picked this opportunity to flake out.
Unfortunately for me neither of these guys know me so to them I
look like I'm trying to apply for jobs that are actually below my skill
set by using a resume that was cobbled together and reads that way.
After my children were born I rode the high for a couple of days until I
started falling apart. That's been my m.o. for a while and I think
that's just the way I'm wired. Monday was my last day, Tuesday and
Wednesday went well. Thursday I went to bed early and Friday all the
rage, grief, bitterness and frustration started pouring out.
My friend told me that crying was often a catharsis and it was better
to get things out than to let them poison me. Whether it was hormones,
pent up emotion or a medley of the two I couldn't wipe away the tears
fast enough. When my husband invited me out for supper and to go
shopping I packed up the girls and drove into town still crying. I
should back up and interject that I got into a huge fight with my oldest
daughter when she came home from school.
A friend of hers had been brutally honest with her, that had hurt her
feelings and she took that out on me. I finally found her under my bed
taking up as little space as she could. I brushed her hair back thinking
that it was too bad she was so much like me since I know how devastated
hearing what her friend had to say must have been. When I asked if she
wanted a snack she nodded. I waited for her to come out from under my
bed, held her for a while and in the kitchen I served her a mini meal
since I could tell that she needed a good dose of warm comfort food.
Last night we picked out ski boots and skis for the girls. My husband
bought me a pair of ski boots and the guy we worked with was really
amazing since I've been fitted for boots before and walked out without
buying them. The night ended better than the day had began. I went to
bed early after a hot bath and woke up with a much better outlook and
attitude. That lasted until I saw the guy who had asked for my resume at
my daughter's soccer game. He was standing by himself and I could have
gone to talk to him but I didn't.
Of course my daughter's team would have to be playing against his
daughter's team. He and his wife are both very athletic and from what
I've seen their children are gifted athletes as well. This is my
daughter's first soccer game and she's better than I thought she would
be but still has much to learn. Her coach put her in as a goalie and I
was so proud of the way she defended her territory. Two people scored on
her, I wasn't sure how she would feel about that but I know how I felt
watching the daughter of the man I didn't want to talk to kick the ball
right past my daughter into the open goal.
My daughter's coach said that she had done well as a goalie. He said
that she was more aggressive than he wanted her to be which kind of
surprised me. Normally she's reserved and maybe not actually shy but on
the quiet side especially around people she doesn't know. Her coach put
her in as a starter which was unexpected. I thought she played well, for
her soccer has given her confidence and self esteem some much needed
boosts and little things like having a jersey with the wrong name or having people score on her haven't held her back or kept her down.
Apparently we're supposed to take the jersey she has in, pay to get
the wrong name removed and pay to have her name put on instead. While
this would normally irritate me I am so grateful for the opportunities
soccer has given my daughter that I'm going to go in and gladly pay the
extra fees that I feel soccer club should cover. I can't understand why
we can't request what sizes we want for our children but that is not the
way things are handled so for now I have to live with that.
This afternoon I spent some time playing catch and soccer with the
girls. After going to her sister's game my oldest now wants to play
soccer. I try to be realistic about the abilities of my children so I
can tell you that my youngest has a chance at being a decent athlete and
my oldest struggles because she hates to run. She's actually more
active than her sister and if you get her into a sport she likes, skiing
for example, she'll stay out all day without complaint. Watching her
catch and throw the ball I see passion for softball. At best she'll be a
mediocre soccer player and I'm trying to decide if we should spend the
money for her to play or encourage her to play a sport she likes and is
motivated to practice.
Friends of mine are struggling with the same issues which helps
because we can discuss different options and get feedback from people
who are not as emotionally involved as I am. My oldest signed up for
band, they gave her the clarinet when she requested the trumpet. Musical
ability does not run in my family and again, she wasn't the girl who
was willing to practice her piano lessons and my husband let her give up
on those when I would have made her stick it out.
Last night we went out to eat as a family. My oldest has a lot of
growing up to do. She hasn't learned how to read social cues, if she's
bored she lets everyone know and I get tired of her angst which seems
precocious at ten. She's a fairly bright child but has contempt for
things she doesn't understand and has yet to learn that you can fight
city hall but you shouldn't be real suprised if you do not emerge
victorious. The last time we visited this restaurant they had to take
back an order that had a piece of shrimp sitting on top for decoration.
This time I took two bites of my spicy tuna roll before I asked what the
crunch was so today I have been dealing with the after effects of
ingesting gluten.
For those people who dismiss gluten intolerance I pray that they
never get a celiac disease diagnosis. Even if you don't have pain
associated with digestion you have to deal with how your body reacts to a
substance it can't digest. This has been a mild attack since I had less
than a tablespoon of food however it has impressed the importance of
taking this seriously upon me. It is really, really, really difficult to
try and maintain a gluten free diet when you live in a house of wheat
eaters.
We've divided the kitchen up into two sections and the difference
between gluten intolerance and celiac disease is the latter is an
auto-immune response to gluten where your body starts attacking itself.
This leads to many mal-absorption issues that creates more
complications. Although I'm much healthier than I have been in the past I
am far from where I need to be and based on the extent of unknown damage I may never
fully recover what I lost. Hyper-vigilance is your only option, I get so
tired of it but the alternatives are worse which is what I need to
remind myself.
A lot of people tell me that they can't believe how good I look.
People who meet me for the first time don't know what I used to look
like which is good except I still feel the way I did about myself in
some ways. Until I had glasses I didn't know that other people saw
things more clearly than I did. Before diagnosis I had no idea that the
way I felt was abnormal because I almost always felt that way. Last
night was a potent reminder of how a bite of food can change your life. I
woke up with puffy lips, a sore mouth and today has not been good
because I need to be in recovery mode.
One of the guy's I used to work with also worked at a vitamin store.
He always gave me deals on things I needed, I don't know why I feel
scraped raw and nakedly exposed, as if I am a carrot that has been
freshly peeled but I can't shake it so I put on clothes, take showers
and walk around in my semi-alive haze. When momomom states that
celiacs need high fat and high protein diets a lot of people don't
understand what this diet is like.
Few people I know complain about not being able to cram enough fat in
their diets. It has to be quality fat and that's trickier to obtain
than you might suspect. For every one gram of protein I get three grams
of fat and half a carb. There aren't exactly foods you can't have but if
you work out the ratios you'll find that it is difficult to consume
that much fat if you are not accustomed to it. Almost every meal I have
consists of some sort of meat coupled with some amazing fat source.
Today we bought a gallon of coconut oil. I can have unlimited
quantities of ghee and olive oil. For breakfast I might have roast
beef with avocado mayo and a small glass of cream. I'm guessing that my
smoothies have about 40-50 grams of fat and what's been kind of cool
about this food adventure is the girls have been fairly receptive to the
new recipes. Every smoothie gets coconut oil, cream of coconut, roughly
half a cup of heavy whipping cream and they don't always turn out
exactly the way I'd like but when they do they are glorious.
Years ago I read that children need very high fat diets. That made
sense to me and I've never denied them things like butter or whole milk.
When my oldest was a baby she had terrible colic. My youngest had to
see a pediatric GI doctor and taking her in for testing at Children's
Hospital is a day I'm glad is in my past. We went to a doctor who gave
me terrible advice. After the Children's visit I spoke with another
doctor who was much better but didn't really address things to my
satisfaction.
When I think about how sick my kids were I want to go back in time
and readjust everything. At six months of age my youngest weighed ten
pounds. She couldn't keep hardly anything down and she had ear infection
after ear infection, rashes everywhere and she was so happy just
sitting there. Recently a friend of mine told me I should start
blogging. When I read stories that are similar to mine it helps to know
that I'm not the only person frustrated, upset and not sure where to
turn to next.
This isn't anyone's fault but I'm furious because I knew something
was wrong. I went to see physicians and specialists and they were all
happy to take my money but I would like to sue the majority of them for
malpractice because I find it hard to believe that I have lived with
extremely depleted vitamin and mineral stores without anyone noticing.
These should be routine tests that are checked annually. The quality of
health care in this country is truly appalling and I am furious that the
government can penalize me for not having health insurance.
When I can't do anything about a situation I seek out ways to protect
myself and my loved ones. I get all kind of flack from people who think
I'm overly fanatic about food additives and preservatives. People give
my food strange looks, it makes me laugh when they ask what my beauty
secrets are. Typically I tell people that I try to get enough sleep,
drink enough water and to stay as active as I can. Most people don't
want to strengthen and restore their bodies. They want a quick fix, a
miracle pill or the easy way out. I've learned the hard way that there
is no such thing but the rewards of being true to what you are and know
are tremendous.
Tomorrow my youngest daughter is singing in church. Hopefully I will
make it through that service without crying. My sister is bringing my
niece over, I am looking forward to seeing them both and so thankful
that my husband is financing my unemployment since without his support I
don't know what I would do. Our relationship is far from perfect but
we're both working on things, him harder than I am since I have to focus
on getting better before I can take on other people and their problems.
Tonight I put the girls in bed early. Soccer takes a lot out of my
youngest. I put her to bed before eight and let her older sister stay up
a bit later. Together we worked on her spelling words before I pulled
up her covers. The kitchen counters are not as clutter free as I would
like them to be. About half of the laundry is done but the girls bathed,
picked out church clothes and we have a breakfast plan together. Things
will work out, how I don't know but I actually feel as if I am on the
edge of some inner peace I have been seeking.
Until next time,
j