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I did not sleep well last night. I have a pretty busy day so I'm glad that my daughter's alarm forced me to get up early even though I would really love to be sleeping right now, especially since my oldest is getting a ride to school and her sister doesn't have to be in at the regular time since I'm taking her in to see the chiropractor. She's been complaining of back pain for a while so she had some x-rays on Friday. There's something odd about her back. Either a sacral bone tried to reach up to the lumbar column, or a lumbar bone tried to become a part of the sacrum. Our chiropractor recommended a few visits with the intent of sending her on for better films if the pain doesn't resolve soon. My oldest has a funky spine and I wonder if I do too although I'm not as active as I could be. I've been better about getting out for walks, just have to keep it up regardless of how I feel about it. 

Since my daughter's alarm woke me up I made her get up with me. We made chicken soup, we ate that for breakfast with cucumbers. Sometimes I'm really lazy so I was frustrated when we we started cleaning out the fridge and I found a bunch of food that I could have been eating that has now gone to waste. Yesterday my mom evened out my hair. Even though I like the style I miss having longer hair to keep my neck warm. I feel like all of my clothes is too thin. I would like a pair of boots I can wear with tights and leggings and jeans, but that's not exactly in my budget right now and speaking of budgeting, I really need to map out my expenses for October. One unexpected surprise was my ex volunteering to take over the utility bills at the condo. That was like Christmas coming early for me since those two bills together have gone upward of a hundred dollars a month.

My internet was spotty last week. It was off and on during Wednesday, Friday they were splicing cable so it didn't work at all. I had a serious anxiety attack Sunday morning for no reason. I guess none of them are for a good reason, but this one especially seemed lame. My aunt and uncle from Chicago were up to visit my grandpa so I went out to lunch with them and a bunch of other people in my family. I didn't have the girls, but it was still really nice to see everyone again. I had the girls bathe last night so nobody has to shower this morning except for me. Jill was whining and crying about being up so early, but I said that if her alarm had woken other people up, she could be up too. I wasn't very pleased when I saw the girls on Friday, I picked Jane up from school so she could go to the chiropractor, Jill's hair was very greasy and Jane's was dull and not clean. I talked to my ex about having them bathe and shower more regularly, more than a bit irritating to see that and to find a hole in Jill's new socks.

***

That was yesterday. I've developed a habit of starting to write, walking away, and not coming back to finish them so today I decided to just layer them like a cake that will be more delicious when it's done. I'm listening to love songs not because I'm in love with anyone, just because it seems like good theme song music for my life. Over the weekend I had two guys play me. I wasn't really into the one who ended up not being single, but I was giving the other guy a chance when he told me he was at his cell provider and would text me his new number. I didn't hear from him after that which is fine since I wasn't head over heels into him and I think he knew that from my responses. What I'm realizing is that I have boundary issues as in I don't set them and I violate the boundaries of others. The first guy told me his team was out of contention for the playoffs so he wanted me to recommend a bandwagon team.

As far as a pickup line went it was totally stupid so I told him I was a footwear person who didn't really watch the ball. After that he said footwear was very interesting and mentioned that he was a runner and asked if I had any suggestions. I hate it when people hint around at things, I also hate it when they try and get freebies for nothing so I asked him if he was asking for a footwear consult. He said he wasn't and then he wondered if he should. I like people who are assertive and forthright. When a girlfriend of mine told me I shouldn't be so direct I said that was me and my style and I wasn't going to change for anyone. I sent a guy an email asking if he was single. He isn't so now I know. I much prefer that to wondering where I stand with others. I probably created some awkwardness and probably won't have much contact with him in the future, but I would rather that than the alternative of not knowing.

I'm still waiting for the guy I reached out to about baseball footwear to get back to me. It's kind of a fun misery to think of alternatives. He isn't getting back to me. He's thinking about how to reject my ideas. He's talking to other people to see what they think. I can come up with thousands of scenarios, but they are all a waste of time. What I need to do is decide on a future course of action and pursue it, thankfully I outlined some ideas in my email to him. I know what I need to do in most areas of my life. What I need to know is how to start doing these things and keep these new habits going when old habits tempt. I've been so tired these past few days. We went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of stuff I'm not real happy with. Over the weekend we tried getting together to see my grandfather. More than ever I see how anxiety has affected my life. I'm angry that I can't just get over it. 

I want to move to Florida or somewhere warm. It won't solve any of my problems, but last night my ex was over, my brother-in-law dropped off a table that used to be mine that we let my sister use. She wanted it gone so now I have it back. It was the right move, but I had to wait and be patient and let her arrive at the conclusion that it didn't fit in the space she had. I know why I'm doing some of the things that I do. I know I've made progress and I recognize that it's a process and sometimes I just have to keep going without knowing what lies ahead since none of us do. There are a lot of great things about being single. The other night I found out that this kid who follows me on Twitter is seventeen. Neither of us knew how old the other person was which was kind of funny. I thought he was older than he was and he thought that I was younger than he really is. He doesn't fit in at school and I know why.

He has to figure out a way to get through high school and I have to find a way to get back into the working world regardless of where my life is at right now. As an overview, it's going pretty well. There are things that upset me and I would love to move, but overall I'm in a better place than I was. It's inside that needs work and in some ways that's easier to accept than continuing to blame external factors like a dining room table or the paint on the walls or the things in the garage that my ex won't do anything with sitting next to the dishwasher that he won't install because there's something about it that he's resisting. I have a lot of dishwashers in my life. Things that wouldn't be that bad if I would just do whatever it is I need to do with them. It's been fun to get out and meet some new people. Not all guys are players and this has given me a new appreciation for women who say that all men are assholes.

Last night I watched part of the Cubs game while I was talking to a friend of mine. Friends have made such a difference in my life. Divorce is such a life changing event. An obvious statement, but until you go through it you really only sort of know those insidious emotions and second guessings and feelings of failure and depression. My advice to anyone is to go to therapy even if you're single if you suspect you could have anything a therapist could help you understand and work through. Perhaps nothing would have changed, but I would have known what I know now much earlier and that would have helped. Most of the people in my family dismiss therapy, I have in the past, it's changed my life for better, and it may not work for you, but I see so many relationships where I can say, a therapist would be able to help her, him, and/or them, and it makes me sad that their life could be better if only they had some of these new awarenesses.

Not much else to say today. Very tired, very blue and gray, cold, and kind of in a sad grieving mode. I'm sure I'll snap out of it, but for today I'm just going to let it be. Sometimes the best fix is just letting the problem be...

Take care,

 

jess