sometimes i look at the things i've done.. while doing them.. and ask in my head "why are you doing this.. cant you see whats going on". othertimes i just wanna scream and slam things and break things.. i know i have a really bad temper.. i think it explains why i can be so passiveat times.. i just wind up exploding. as i look at my bloodied knuckles.. i think maybe i over-react.. but is it so bad punching a wall.. instead of hurting someone or breaking something. i have all this shit built up.. and every day i do stupid stuff that just adds to it.. ive realized a lot about my childhood.. things i wasnt aware of.. i dont know if it was because i wasn't looking.. or if i was in denial. being aware of these things doesn't help any. i dunno.. part of me feels as if it makes it worse.. because now i am angry, resentful, and frustrated. lately i seem to hurt those i care about.. i dunno why or how.. maybe sub-consiously i am trying to scare them away.. cuz if they stay it shows they really love me.. i don't think i have ever felt the security of that. who in my life hasn't walk out on me that i've loved.. walked out.. or pushed me away.. i know its a common "poor me" rant.. but its true.. my mother.. a good person.. but the emotional support wasn't even there when i was 5.. my father.. joke.. my past lovers.. hah.. even my friends.. it's a relatively new thing to have friends who i feel really care about me. i'd say something in the past few years.. sometimes i pinch myself because im not sure its real.. there is so much wrong right now.. and i can't let anyone in.. the people who would listen.. i care too much about to worry or burden them.. that in it's self would make things worse.. my family.. hahah.. i don't even want to go into my last conversation with my mother and i.. fuck.. i should bandage my hand
We just wanted to let you know that Christopher Stach II has requested that sixdegrees(tm) remove the relationship between you two from our system. In response to Christopher's request, that relationship will no longer be listed in our directory. bye chris.. i guess thats the end to something 8 years old. most of it was rather good.. too bad the end had to be so bad. i did love you, i wasn't in love with you, we never should have lived together knowing those things.. nevermind dated. i blame us both.