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I need amphetamine. Or Ritalin, or something of that ilk. No, I'm not kidding. It helps me focus the flitting flies that are my thoughts and break through the lassitude to actually do something useful. I resisted being on Ritalin after high school for stupid childish reasons, but now I realize it helped me, a lot. I need to go back on it. Also, after reading the relevant literature, I'm beginning to wonder if these low-grade depressive episodes that keep happening are dysthymia or cyclothymia as opposed to true depression or bipolar syndrome. If so, I wonder if something like bupropion would help? Actually, that'd probably help if it's true depression too. Time to ask a shrink.

Drugs aren't the be-all and end-all, but they help to fight past the stupid irrational barriers, the "well, tell my fucking brain that!" items. I have the will, I think, now I just need to get past the dumb shit. I'm about to turn 30, it's high time I unfucked my mind enough to be what I'm capable of being. It's like Jewel said, you wake up to realize that your standard of living somehow got stuck on "survive". I feel like that's happened to me. I mean, I'll grant the last three years have been an obscene morass of WHARRGARBL, but there's life beyond all that. I hate this fucking place for a variety of reasons - it's a stultifying intellectual straitjacket, mostly - but I can make the best of a bad situation. I just need a little help getting the lead out. I've done what I can do for now. Time to strap on some RATO pods.