I wrote
a really really cathartic node yesterday, and ... wow. I feel all ...
better and stuff. A lot of things I guess I’ve been meaning to say. Putting things in the
perspective I needed them all to be in.
I love
noding.
I love E2. They’re both very very good for me. Happy happy
poing poing poing.
But. (There’s always a but isn’t there?
Especially following
sentiments like ‘happy happy poing poing poing’ for goodness’ sake...) But with my head a little clearer now I’m turning back to this old, old wound that is my last
long term relationship. I thought this fight was over. But now I see
it’s just begun.
Enough time has finally passed, at last, that this
scar is not so intensely, immediately painful that I can’t look at it. It still hurts. God, it hurts and it’s starting to make my blood boil. But it’s faded enough I can think about it. It’s healed enough through the simple
passage of time (ok, and through a couple new boys that definitely helped
dull the pain through their generally
yumminess and fun...). I thought it was over because it was just too hot to touch. And now I’m
digging in the dirt to heal it for real.
I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I didn’t love him anymore. But now I see that I broke up with him because I was
drowning. I was dying and stagnating and I hated myself and he hated himself. I was putting all of my
energy into trying to fix him and heal him and it was killing me. I tried to make myself subservient to him. And
I’m such a fucking feminist. I prostituted myself to him by coddling all his
bullshit, and all the ways that he was weak became the ways that I was weak because I let myself become just like him. I can’t believe I hated myself.
I always thought I was so strong.
When I broke up with him he accused me of abandoning him and betraying him and tried to hurt me in every possible way he could, because I had hurt him.
He betrayed me. He betrayed me because you don’t try to hurt the people you love. He betrayed me because he knew I was horribly horribly
depressed in the last months of our relationship, and I told him I was ending this because I was dying.
Did he want me to die for him? Did he want to be with a person who was dead inside?
It feels so good to be
alive again. I’ve been
fucked up as hell these past couple of months, but it’s been a good fucked up that is the fucked up of a living, breathing
person. But I look back and I can’t believe I was such a
shell. How could I die inside for an entire year and not even notice? I’m not mad at him. He didn’t really
betray me. But how did this happen? How did I let myself become so small?
How do I stop myself from doing it again???
You can’t fix them. You can’t fix them, and you can’t live for them. There are so many things I want to do with my
life and I didn’t do one of them the entire last six months we were together. I
languished. How could I do that? How could he do this? What the hell am I going to do? I
am so
strong. And I will never, ever, ever come second again.