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I met God one night at a party at Eric’s place. It was about a month ago. Eric. Short guy, dark hair. Wears jackboots all the time. 

Eric had a keg of beer and God showed up around ten. There was a band called The Locusts. They opened with “Twenty Flight Rock”.

My dress was red and my hair was piled high and God flirted with me shamelessly. He kissed me and left rainbows. The Locusts sang “Love is All Around Me” by The Troggs. 

We oohed and aahed and cooed and raahed. We rolled in heart-shaped clouds.

God told me, I've been waiting all your life. 

The Locusts sang “I Fought the Law”, then “Trash”, by the New York Dolls. They ended with “Sweet Jane”, the way the Cowboy Junkies do it. 

God squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek, and asked me for my number. He was staying at Eric's place that night, and promised to call in the morning.

Tired as I was, I was still so excited. I thought I’d never get to sleep. Dreams of me + God together 4ever floated around in my head. 

It was almost noon when I woke up. Maybe I didn’t hear the phone. Two o’clock. Four o’clock. Five o’clock came and went, still no word from God. 

I called Eric’s place. Put God on the phone, I said. God’s voice is really big, I could hear the back and forth. I heard it plain as day when God said, tell her I’m not here.

I slammed the phone down hard, got my keys and drove to Eric’s. I pounded on the door. There was a plated glass panel and my fist went right through it. Blood and glass was everywhere, my hand was shredded to ribbons. Took thirty stitches to sew it up.

After that, I went to jail.

I was charged with disturbing the peace and making terroristic threats. Seems that wasn’t the time, or place, to bring up “kingdom come.”

They finally dropped the terrorist charge and in the morning they let me go. I hadn’t been home five minutes when I heard a knock at the door. Eric was there, jackboots on, and he gave me a piece of paper. “Order of Protection” was printed across the top. 

Now I have to pay court costs and perform community service. I can’t come within a hundred feet of any church or synagogue

And it turns out what God said to me, he says to all the girls. A real smooth talker. He’s a sugar-mouthed grifter. And sooo handsome. Black hair. Blue eyes. He looks like John Cassavetes.

At least, that's how I see him. Some see Charlton Heston. For others, it's George Burns. Morgan Freeman. Morgan Fairchild maybe.

Like any good huckster, he knows what you expect; what you get is what you see.

It’s funny how people believe in God, people who’ve never seen him. I’ve seen him, and I don’t. He’s a silver-tongued you-know-what, but you live and learn. I’m only sorry The Locusts didn’t do “Surfin’ Bird” that night. I hear they do it really well.

Now when someone tells me God is good, I say yeah, he’s good alright. Since he deals in Absolutes, it all comes down to one of two things, the way I see it.

He’s either indifferent to our horror. He can touch you without being touched. 

Or he can’t, and he’s just been waiting all your life.