In my pursuit of therapy (which I am approaching with writing as an outlet), I have discovered and decided that adressing the issue of my relationship with Sara will undeniably be required at some points. As such, I decided to take the "sooner rather than later" approach, and my pencil hit paper for a solid forty-five minutes against my new writing notebook.
From nearly every perspective, our relationship looked great. It was great. We complimented each other at every turn. We were both coders, poets, writers, and general geeks. We were probably good for each other, and to my knowledge, we were both faithful until the last few weeks or months of the relationship. Most of all, we were happy when we were together. But there is a qualifier in that statement. A damn important one that I missed for most of eighteen months, "when we were together." When we were, we had each other's full attention. We laughed together and enjoyed most everything about being there. Once we approached sex, we physically hungered for each other. We completely honestly rarely argued, and in the entire course of the relationship only had two or three real fights. I honestly believe both of us were happy.
When we were apart, I was slowly growing more and more disgusted with the relationship, due mostly to figuring out exactly where I would rather be. It was a very slow process; it took me most of a year to even figure out what I felt so rotten about, and a lot longer than that to realize that I couldn't ignore it.
Because of that girl, I didn't want my relationship anymore, despite the fact that it was good, calm, and fun. I wanted to be somewhere else, with someone else. I wanted to be with someone that I could live the kind of life my parents told my teenage self wasn't worth the time with. Unfortunately for me and Sara, I was too underconfident and shy to act on those feelings for ages. When I finally did act, all I could manage was destroying everything that Sara and I had. Nothing happened or has happened between me and Lily since. Nothing.
So, I find myself left trying to decide whether ever entering this relationship in the first place was a healthy decision. I gained many life experiences from it: I lost my virginity, remembered how to write, and proved to myself that I can remember what it means to be intimate(not necessarily in a physical way). However, I also caused both of us a great deal of pain and, as harsh as this may sound, I wasted a good relationship on someone I didn't have feelings for as strongly as for the other girl I was interested in. The other two girls I was interested in, because (insert respective deity here) knows that I was lying every time I told her I wasn't settling for her instead of chasing Becca.
Perhaps it both was healthy and wasn't. Hell if I know, I just thank (respective deity) that it's over.