Dear MoJoe,
Greetings and salutations, I trust that my missive finds you in excellent health and spirit. I hope that the unfortunate rumors I've heard about that rash are false.
I have oft noted your sagacious dispensation of advice and wonder if you would be so magnanimous as to put your considerable mental acumen to use in my favor. To whit, I have run into a considerable quandary and wonder if you can slice your way through my proverbial Gordian knot.
At this writing, my armies of Giant Robots and Angry Lesbian Powerlifters are poised to a launch an attack on every major capital in the world. Since the world leaders are at this time occupied with the Olympics in Australia or secret liquor binges, my advisors estimate that the world shall be mine in appromixately seventy-hours.
My question, therefore, is this: my conquest of the entire world will be complete by Monday 7:45PM GMT, since this will take place some two weeks after the American Labor Day, would it be entirely inappropriate for me to wear white to my inauguration?
Thank you,
Conquerer in California
Dear Conquerer in California,
You catch me in more than good health and spirit but rather a state of nearly sickening mirth. My man, Mr. ToasterLeavings and I are presently sunning ourselves on the immaculate beaches of Cartagena de Indias: the gem of El Republica de Colombia and I fear I may have had one too many Martinis. Nestled along the northern coast, Cartagena's eminently formidable walls offer a peaceable retreat from the horrors of war laying waste to the surrounding countryside. After stirring up some good, wholesome, economically stimulating national conflict; I am always exhausted and in need of tranquil respite. Nothing makes a man feel more alive and free than lobbing grenades into a fox-hole or mowing down an entire platoon from a pill box with an old, rusty, 1942 MG-42 German belt feed machine gun. I rest now with the knowledge that I was able to single handedly fulfil this very dream for thousands of troops in the ELA by selling the Liberation Army two-hundred million dollars worth of munitions from my own gargantuan private cache (informing Presidente Andres Pastrana that that the leader of the ELA Guerrilla forces called his wife a "donkey fucking whore" in a luncheon last week didn't hurt either, I suppose.)
Sprawled out on the sun-soaked beaches of white sand receiving a massage and facial from the cantina girl, Maria; I earnestly contemplate your very real dilemma as I have finally been charged with an important and delicate inquiry of the more subtle facets taste and the bon ton. Due to your unmistakably noble and fashion conscious character, I am absolutely certain that you shall pick a cut and style that is both tastefully simple yet undeniably handsome and in vogue. One does not rise to power by wearing tacky knock-offs and gory ornamentation; who can respect you if you have no sense of class and style?
Now, taking a closer look at the time frame and the world majority (the prolétariat) one would be ponder wearing something crisp in blue, as I am sure you gave a serious consideration to. This would be acceptable but for the fact that it is truly the bourgeois that form the delicate and complex internal structure that keeps everything running smoothly. Alienating upper management via a simple, subconscious gesture of garb color and coordination will only make the conversion of the world populous over to your own power structure a much slower and exorbitantly costly process.
The next nearly obvious choice would be red, but this would, in the end, have proven a fatal maneuver and could have spelled the end of your administration for obvious reasons--among them is the fact that finding shoes to go with a red based suit is nearly impossible and what, a black tie? Ghastly.
I quote Mark Twain on wearing white:
"This white suit stands for a Purity Campaign. I am that Purity Campaign. I'm the only one in it -- in fact, I'm the only one who's eligible!"
and
"If you wear white clothes you are clean."
I feel that this concept and all collaborative implications duly speak for themselves. White is, of course, the perfect choice for your inaugural ensemble and quite possibly a theme to span your reign and ensure your place amongst the beau monde; your volition is faultless.
Incidentally, I hold a fair amount of sway amongst the ELA and other South American revolutionary factions should you need a partner or right hand in your world domination endeavors. If you would care to hold summit and speak of it at the Lieberman Clinic and Spa over hot wraps and manicures I shall enclose my personal hotline number, there my seceretary can patch you via satellite to my cell phone and we can arrange a meeting. Your personal access number is 23564.
Back to "Ask moJoe : Advice for the Criminally Confused"