I am coming here to express my feelings because I don't know how to do it in another way. I am sorry for not contributing many writeups of value to this website. I would like to.
I am in a creative rut. I haven't been able to write at all this entire week, despite dedicating all my time to it. Please, I need you to use me again, blood relative of perfectionism, my perfect goddess. Enslave me, dominate me, goddess. I don't care what you do with me once I'm finished with this project, but my life will have been of worth, and I will dissolve into nothing knowing I am complete. I will be perfect. Siblings can be so different from another, and yet so similar. My sister and I have polar opposite sense of humor, different religious opinions, I possess problems that she doesn't, she is emotional and I feel very little. Maybe Perfectionism's relative isn't the goddess I think she is. Maybe this goddess is a demon, but she's the only thing that brings me worth.
New medication does nothing, just like the dozens we have tried. Nothing at all. I tried taking double the dose one night. Nothing at all. I'm so goddamn sick of this vicious cycle of hope and letdown and hope and letdown and hope and letdown and I feel like with each cycle I'm sinking one inch deeper into a morose disposition.
I've been listening to this song. Breaking Benjamin. "Dark is taking over. All is lost again, but I'm not giving in. I'll survive, paralyzed, I have lost the will to change."
Another song. Tool. "But I'm still right here. Giving blood, keeping faith. And I'm still right here. Giving blood, keeping faith. And I'm still right here Giving blood, keeping faith."
It feels like losing blood, like the vitality is being withered, taken from me. It feels like the faith I try to keep in this has shattered and I'm holding onto the broken glass shards of hope, desperately holding onto to them. Every time a medication doesn't work, all hope is lost, but I'm trying to keep going. Soldier through it, make it to the end. When I attempted suicide, I thought it was some glorious act of strength and nobility. Now I view it as an act of weakness; the end has yet to come, and choosing to quit before we discover the end, it's not very virtuous. Patience is a virtue, so they say.
Christianity nauseates me. I worship the Christian God, I get on my knees before my altar and pray, but my faith in it is gone. It's meaningless to me, but I still do it. I was praying last night and I felt a presence strongly, maybe God's presence, I felt like I was being watched, and this overpowering feeling of smallness, and love, and art, and death, and warmth, this emotion dominated me. A presence was in the room with me, was it the deity to whom I pray? Was it God reminding me that he is real and I am insignificant? Was it some other deity shifting its gaze upon me for a moment? But I felt no peace afterward. The experience had no lasting ideological impact on me. No joy, no sorrow, empty and void of comfort and meaning. It's a little funny that happens. Later, my father told me about a church service, "the Spirit was strong in worship tonight. It was powerful. It really wiped me out." He takes great comfort in this deity, so why does it nauseate and terrify me when I feel this Spirit?
I slept three hours last night and I've had four energy drinks today. Really living my best life. I wish I had some rum, but I'm not about to go spend $30 on a bottle that will last me a week. Waste of money. And I'm not good at moderation when it comes to alcohol. Really, I want to try vodka and my peach energy drinks combined. I feel like a shot or two in the morning really loosens me up, increases my passive level of happiness and charisma. I haven't had alcohol in like 5 months and I really don't ever think about it, which many people would call a "good" thing. I fondly remember when I would play video games and take a swig every time I died. I remember, I had a game where I got 12 swigs in and I had to tell my team, "I'm sorry for feeding, I'm drunk."
I arranged four desks in a big square with a chair in the middle. I call it "super desk". It's one of my better ideas, but I have to squeeze through a very tiny gap to get to my desk. Still, I'm enjoying the extra desk space. If I really wanted to, I could add two more desks laterally and call it "super super desk", but I don't want to spend the money on that. My brother sent me a clip from The Office in which Dwight does something similar, though his term was "mega desk", which I think has a nicer ring than the one I came up with.
I want to write more in this log but the thought of doing any more introspection causes me intense nausea so I am going to stop and just post this.