If this is
as good as life gets, I might as well just
get out now.
Choose life because you lovel. Even though you think that they don't care, that no one does, and that the pain is just too much, choose life to spare them pain.
We are the ones who stick around, we have more courage than any of the ones who go through with it. Courage is not required to stick a gun to your head and pull the trigger, but courage is required to go on with life that doesn't seem worth living.
If there's anything worse than this pain, it is knowing that you will make others feel pain that's even worse because it was caused by something out of their control. Something that will make them feel guilty for the rest of their lives. You've seen it, I've seen it, it's more horrible than anything I can imagine. More horrible than anything caused by chemicals in your brain.
And if there's anything to live for, it's for not causing pain to others.