Yet another conspiracy has been revealed. In the tradition of of finding truth and
disparaging lies, we bring you
The Real Story on
Middle America. It does not
exist.
It all started with spur of the moment thoughts on going to
San Francisco. The problem was that we were to start on opposing coasts, so we decided on a distance
midpoint (
an aside that I would be driving away from the destination by half the country, and subsequently back). Somewhere in Middle America seemed fitting, but where? Upon
closer inspection, we realized that we were unsure which
states actually constituted Middle America, we thought and thought, but could not name a single one (
lets not even talk about geographic ignorance here okay?). Then we came up with
Kansas, but we were not even sure it existed, uncertainty. Certainly neither of us had ever met anyone from there, nor had we ever seen any of this mythical Kansas, we struck it from the record. As more of our abundant intellect was poured into this growing
conundrum, we unveiled a deeper layer of disturbing information. We had never met anyone from Middle America, always people seem to be from either of the
coasts,
the south, and occasionaly the
cold north.
Things were starting to smack distinctly of a
conspiracy at this point. After carefully arranging the facts, it was found that there is simply a
huge black sucking void in the middle of the nation. It must be skirted around to get to either side, avoid at all costs. It is a growing
black hole with a specific
event horizon such that it is impossible for news of its existance to escape from states near its edge to the rest of the nation. If you can see it, your a
goner. The endless torrent of
tornado and
flood stories are simply a plot by the government to
scare people away
for their own good. The pull of the void is
inversely proportional to our distance from it, which helps us understand the inexplicable urge to visit Middle America that is felt from time to time.
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