Some favorite quotes from my chemistry teacher. Copied from the paper original, which was produced by Hart Feuer and Colin Storz. Edited slightly, and some grammar has been corrected.

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Scheffler Qoutes

A compilation of Words of Wisdom and other Garbage from the mouth of Larry Scheffler

"There's more to Mr. Scheffler than just Chemistry."
-Hart Feuer (Editor in Chief)

"All I need to know, I learned from Chemistry class."
-Colin Storz (Co-Editor)

"Remember, one of the requirements in this class was to laugh at the jokes."
-Larry Scheffler (Divine Inspiration)

Rationale: Socrates, Plato, King Solomon,... Scheffler. These wise figures have shared choice words of wisdom with many a pupil. Often these pupils do not listen to such wisdom, or simply do nut understand. Whatever the case, many choice pieces of knowledge have been lost or forgotten. But no longer will this be the case. Due to lapses of boredom in class, two of Scheffler's least apt students took to compiling a list. This list will now and forever be known as Scheffler Quotes.

Disclaimer: Many of these quotes were completely stripped out of context, may not be the true feelings of Larry Scheffler, and might be otherwise butchered to sound good on paper. We claim no responsibility for the offense caused to any such persons (including our esteemed inspiration) who may claim to be offended by such material. It's all in good fun.

And without further ado...

The Rhymes

It is indeed fortunate that only a few poor souls have had to endure Scheffler's rhymes. But to be fair to everyone, his rhymes have been recorded here so that all may suffer.

"Auntie Nell gave to baby Sell,
What she thought was caramel,
But alas corrosive sublimate,
was the poor old baby's fate,

Not much difference,
I do confess,
Just one atom more,
And one baby less."

"Johnny was a chemist,
now he is no more,

What he thought was H20,
Was H2SO4"

As recorded by Colin Storz:

Colin's Top 5:

5. "Much like your dog doesn't know about congress, my cat doesn't know or care about congress. My cat doesn't pay taxes."
4. "How many psychiatrists are needed to change a light bulb? One, really, but the light bulb has to want to change."
3. "... like if you amoral, you don't have any. Like your dog and your cat... They don't have any morals."
2. "Air head isn't really a good insult, the term vacuum head is better. So if someone calls you an airhead you can call 'em a vacuum head and win that way."
1. "This for those people who get up at midnight to check the time with their sundial and flashlight."


Matches are the only legal fireworks in Oregon.
If it blows up... well, it's been nice knowing you... it's getting crowded in this classroom, anyway.
Only athletes that sit on the sidelines get benchmarks.
You can't fatten cows by weighing them.
It's like a steer, there's a point here and a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
I like sitting on the fence.
It gets your creative juices flowing.
Like James Bond says, "Never Say Never".
It's like waiting for a rattlesnake to bite you, and hoping there is an antidote around.
Some people would say my head is made out of wood, but my leg isn't.
Have no fear of ice-cold beer... non-alcoholic beer, of course.
If you like your cat, then that's how you can remember. But if you hate your cat, forget it.
Alright, calm down, or you'll have to come in at recess.
Commotion is not conducive to thinking.
Something they can sink their wheels into.
Close counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
If you go home and make these cookies, you do so at your own risk. (Scheffler's cookie recipe)
Like Westerners brand cows, now test tubes brand you.
I need some alcohol!
Cows fly over mountains.
It's all a matter of it being a bunch of over paid men who can put a ball in a ring. (Basketball)
I may condemn it to oblivion.
A football game is 70,000 people in desperate need of exercise watching 72 people in desperate need of a rest.
Even a chimpanzee can memorize, to a degree.
It's like becoming undead after you're dead... (Student: "What if you're a zombie?") Oh, nevermind!
I'm not going to do it in the middle of the stream.
I'm going to make a big scene and yell and dance about it.
The 0th thing you do before calculating the problem is read the problem.
Sure, your dog was ran over by a Tri-Met bus, and your dog dies. (Mocking excuses)
Max has figured out a scheme here.
Your frequency jacks up the hill.
It look s like a fish, well, not exactly like a fish, but…
Milk it like a cow.
If I squeezed it, I could hit anyone in here.
Copious amounts of everything!
Bored out of your tree…
Chewing gum for the mind.
That’s not Max, that’s an alien!
It’s not late enough in class for anyone to be asleep.
The magic words are “ala peanut butter sandwiches”.
Some people go to Arizona when it’s hot and call it a dry heat, and then some people come to Oregon, and say it rains, but it’s a dry rain.
This is how the Beverly Hillbilly’s grandma used to make brew…
If you drank ethyl alcohol, then we’d hope you would end up in the emergency room, but you would probably just die.
When you buy alcohol, you pay the distiller once, and the government twice.
By the way, you have to suck a little longer in Denver.
If you talk to things it works better.
What I say is final, and more important than what you’re saying at the moment.
What is Smokey The Bear’s middle name??
No stuck an echo in you, so be quiet!
If you end up dead, you get to stay that way for the rest of your life.
We have old fashioned hot plates, you have to plug ‘em in to warm them.
You can play with yourself or with the two other people at your table.
This actually reminds me a lot of the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz.
It’s like the joke about the ceiling – it goes over your head.
You don’t control crowds with cyanide gas…
Some people are not good problem solvers. To put it another way, they scratch were it doesn’t itch.
Why do they go from 3 lanes to 2 lanes? Why?! It’s like pinching the hose.
We’re gonna prototype these right into the garbage.
Some people wear their goggles on their head, to protect their bald spot, I guess.
Mmm, it smurglled.
Be thankful the rose has thorns and not the thorns have roses.
Everything to a “hot” plate in a handbasket.
I know of teenager’s rooms where owls would be at home because of all the old growth.
I’m gonna bark these off as fast as I can. “Bark, Bark!”

As Recorded by Hart Feuer…

Hart’s Top 5:

5. I can’t have negative five students, I can have five students with a negative attitude…”
4. Take an example from the President and don’t inhale.
3. Some people get out there and snatch defeat from the clutches of victory.
2. If you don’t shut up, I’m going to pull your plug.
1. If there’s something I don’t like, I wack it.


Two stones with one bird!
All of the absent people, please raise your hands.
All you’ll need is a test tube, ring stand, life-insurance paid up, and uh…
You’re going to be so good at this by that time.
The English language is kind of a nuisance.
Some of that might no be appropriate in a class setting.
I’ve taken to naming my elements. It’s kind f cute.
It’s kind of hard to pledge-of-allegiance without a flag.
Ewww. That’s something they might sell in the cafeteria.
Soemtimes electrons don’t do what you want them to, like your cat.
Let’s have a mole party on that day!
US West says life is better here. Of course, that’s a lie.
I suppose you could always cover it up with makeup.
I’ll make it due on October 33rd.
It’s called locking the barn after the horse has been stolen. (Doing homework after a test.) Duct tape is what holds America together. If this doesn’t work, I’m going to file a complaint wih the American Duct Tape Council.
I’m still waiting for my Nobel Prize, by the way.
You want to gain weight, stand in the sun. If you want to lose it, stay in a cave.
The only redeeming value of all that junk mail that I get is that they make pretty colors in the fireplace!
Dot-pasting is easy. Basketweaving is easy. Chemistry is hard.
It’s funny that if you lose your keys, you can look everywhere, but you’ll always find it in the last place you look.
Tomorrow, you’ll all be in the dark about Chemistry. Literally.
Did you ever see something as pretty in Physics? No.
The speed of light is something we haven’t yet reached, except in Star Trek.
It’s a little like trying to swat flies with a Sherman Tank.
To make a long story slightly longer…
If the pigeon hits the stone, or the stone hits the pigeon, it’s still bad for the bird.
Anybody remember the Wizard of Oz?
Computers should be developed to know what I mean!
I’m going to forestall the news from Lake Woebegone for a moment.
In honor of Batman, we have a bat-line.
Whoa! That’s a ruler breaker!
…then Zingo! We go ballistic!
Tell me what you don’t know.
Intelligent people can do that, so I know you can do that.
But it does stink, and I don’t want you asphyxiating yourself back there.
There IS life after Chemistry.
Counting the tail, how many legs does a dog have?
What I’m trying to establish with that tom-foolery is that…
If you don’t shut up, I’m going to pull your plug!
The assumption in this class is that you’re in class.
If it is that old, it will die on January 1st anyway.
The experimentalists who are inexperienced at experimenting.
The protons are sucking me inward!
It wasn’t Colin, although he would make a good scapegoat.
We want you to be happy. But that doesn’t belong in a lab report,
You need a very high tech piece of equipment – a scissors!
Without atomic theory, we wouldn’t be able to play Tetris in class!
Just put your money in an old shoe for a while.
There’s a principal in life where anybody can pick on anybody weaker than themselves.
Lightbulbs! Turn them on.
That’s why they invented colored pens, so I would have something to play with.
That’s REALLY pathetic.
You can repair anything you want to. If you’re cheap enough.
You know Hallmark cards?
…a week after the day after Turkey day.
It’s important that you do research in sciences – not just arts.
You all breathe air, you all take up space – your definitions are changed, though.
Now you know Ligand – this is a major rite of passage.
Big Bird would have said that if he knew it.
This one, I don’t like to play with – cyanide.
It sort of tends to make people kinda… dead.
In Chemistry, you get to look at beautiful colors, can’t do that in Physics.
First I inspire you, then we draw bunnies.
I’d sue for malpractice if they didn’t make you make it. (an electromagnet in elementary school]
Just park your little physiques and we’ll get down to business here.
Those horrible industrialists!
The tendency is to put out all the positives and ignore all the negatives.
If you say the moon is made out of green cheese, I’ll want to look and see where you found that rubbish.
The tail wags the dog lots of times.
I’m old and decrepit, anyway.
I think I give a snowball a chance much greater than a bucket of boiling water.
In English you get that novel to read … no work at all!
It’s called greasing the grapevine.
Between the system and the surroundings are the whole universe.
We gotta have the some strong man to hate in the world.
I’m tired of being on the side of the losers.
I promise to tell you if I’m lying. Oh, that’s a lie.
I was born at a very early age.
Then there’re those who get paid for stuffing a ball in a ring.
I think that’s the way we vicarously take out hostility.
Even Mickey Mouse can do it!
This here is a Donald Duck problem.
What’s the movie where Forest Gump goes to space?
It’s not simply busy work to keep you busy.
I’ll be here everyday, at least until the Amazon freezes over.
The pot is on, it hasn’t come to a boil yet.
Somebody said this was a chemistry class?
It’s hard to distinguish between a high zero and a low zero.
That’s why thermometers exist. They have a mind of their own. That is, to get up, crawl off the table, and spread mercury.
My hamster spent its short life trying to get out of the cage.
That cat was very interested in the stove for some reason, that was the hamster.
Today I commuted on the Sardine Can, the MAX.
If it’s not broken, as President Reagen said, don’t fix it.
ASSUME makes a Donkey out of you and me.
I know a thousand things that don’t work. What do you know?
Shut up and speak English… or at least translate.
There are a lot of stupid questions in the world – and that one qualifies. (Poor kid…)
If you have something classified, please let me know, so I can sell it to the Russians, first.
I think you guys are at least smarter than a Styrofoam cup.
We had a bunch of elephants in the China closet, so to speak.
My fingers are Y2K compatible – so they can still type up tests.
In my old age and advancing senility, I can’t read.
Those are the ideas that smell like smoke and come from the pit of hell.
Nothing attempted – nothing accomplished.
They don’t make computers smart enough – to serve me.
I don’t really want to boil my hands and serve them for lunch.
To do this, you have to say the magic words, “Ala the peanut butter sandwiches” (So good, we need it twice)
I thought I’d keep it around, to sell it as an antique.
We don’t have to use arrows… we could use COWS, or snowmen!
It is a cat ion, like meow! That is, if your cat is a positive influence in your house….
(About Arnold Schwarzenegger:) “There was a lot of fire blowing around.”
When Arnold Schwarzenegger blows things up, bonds are broken and put back together… That’s where the heat comes in.
You also don’t want to remove your nail polish by candlelight.
Put a ring in your ear – or a reminder on your nose.
What this country needs is a copy machine that works.
Handing in homework without a name is like putting it in the trash.
There are some people out there with an intelligence down there with broccoli, and cauliflower.
You can’t kill brain cells with 14% alcohol.
People kill brain cells, then dump their head into the porcelain god, and worship for a while. (Drunks)
If you don’t take Chemistry 3-4, a truck comes by your door, and pours hot lava all over your property.
You can’t go through life thinking everything is concrete.
I know more about chickens in every pot than I do about activation energy.
The Ice-Man cometh!!
We are awesome! We awesome today.
People want to hear the announcements, not you!
My moral character allows me to think but not to say.
You have two ears and one mouth… do more listening than talkin.
There are some students that have the same disease that teachers get – senility.
I used to sing in the choir. When I quit, they thought someone had tuned the piano.
Then there’s country western music. If you play it backwards, you’ll get your life, your wife, and your car back.
I’m not sure I believe in evolution, maybe de-evolution.
My mother used to say, “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you 40 million times, don’t exaggerate”.
The world isn’t getting any bigger.
”I see”, said the blind man as he picked up a hammer and saw.
There’s 30 million people in California… and they’re all on the freeway.
An explanation is worth a million words.
You can’t even live under bridges anymore!
I’m like the fortune teller who answers two questions for $100. “Isn’t that a lot?” you ask. “Yes,” I respond. “What’s your second question?”
What goes around comes around and sort of stays around.
I have what separates the men from the boys – birthdays.
Last night I had a dream I was eating a 10-pound marshmallow.
You should all be taller by the end of class, because I’ve been pulling your leg all period.
You’re all going to get 100% on the final, except the questions you miss.
My mother would say, “The devil made me do it!”